Triggers

Today's topic in Trauma Ed group therapy was in regards to Triggers; understanding and coping with them.

This topic came in perfect timing-as tomorrow is my birthday and one of the biggest triggers of all. Each year at this time, I go into a deeper depression.  I don't really understand why.  I guess, as I mentioned in my last post, I hate the idea of living another year.

I was originally hoping this journal entry would be my last. I was going to title it "One less fool to walk the earth" 
I had a SI ( Suicidal Ideation-a plan) that I was so tempted to carry out tonight.  I had it in my head that I'd take my father's blood pressure pills. What stopped me?  My room.  Unfortunately, my room and car are too messy to leave behind.  My parents always taught me to clean up after we go anywhere. Whenever I'd go places or move I always made sure to leave it better than how it was before.  And if I'm going to leave this world, I wanted to make sure I left it organized and clean so my family had less work to do.  After all, who likes to go through somebody's belongings when they have died?  If only I had things organized into boxes ready to go to Salvation Army, things may be different.  So as of right now,  I can't say one less fool to walk the earth, because in actuality, this fool will continue to walk..until this room gets cleaned and organized. And for those who know me- me having a clean and organized room is unheard of. My room, like my life is disheveled and has been so for quite some time. I've never been able to keep my room spotless. It could take me months to clean my room and once it is clean, hours later, it's as if a tornado destroyed it.

 As I came home tonight from my program, my mother knew something was wrong.  I tried avoiding her, but she kept persisting, until finally I broke down and told her I didn't want to live and my plan. When I told her that I hadn't done anything yet because my room wasn't clean . She asked- "Do you think that's what we'd be worried about- you're room not being clean."  My response was "well if it were clean- it wouldn't be a big hassle to clean it." In which she replied "You're father would be destroyed, I'd be devastated, Patrick would be devastated and Bridget as well. Do you not think about that?"  All I could say "Don't you not want to see me suffering anymore? Wouldn't it be a relief for all of you if you knew I no longer suffered"  As I sat there sobbing, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close. It was so nice being next to her warmth.
She sat there holding me as I recounted my 21st birthday. My mom never heard this story until now (She actually hadn't heard a lot of my stories until my psych ward visits where a lot came up).

10 years ago today, I attempted suicide.  It was my 21st birthday.  I went out with 2 of my friends.  I remember feeling sad about that because I'd hear of people renting out spaces to throw their party.  I never had that opportunity.  I never had the money.  This wasn't all that made me sad; it was just my life and the pressure of it all. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, or who I was. (Still sounds familiar to this day)
So after a night of drinking, we got in the car and headed back to campus.  I didn't want to go.  I hated college. I hated my major. Overall, I hated my life.  However, I had no choice, but to go.  While in the passenger seat of the car, I told my friends of my wanting to die..my wanting to end it all and my wanting to jump out of the car as it was moving. Moments later after saying that, I unhooked my seatbelt and went to unlock the door and open it. My friend, Kate, was sitting behind me quickly sprung into action, grabbing me as I tried fighting.  Let me just die.  But she wouldn't let go.  Fuck.  I just wanted to die. 

I remember at 17, while most people went to get their license on their birthday, I waited a week. I didn't want to fail on my birthday- I was convinced I would. Talk about low self esteem.

Another birthday I had extreme trouble with was with my 16th birthday. My uncle passed away 6 months prior and I missed him so much.  He was like a second father. He was so kind and generous.  Even though I had a dance competition that day and did well in it (coming home with a crystal and all). I still couldn't be content. Maybe it had something to do with being 16 and not really having a sweet 16 party like all of my "friends", or maybe I realized I didn't really have any friends.   I don't know- whatever it was, all I did know was that I was depressed; I missed my uncle and I didn't want to live.

I remember being 13 and having to beg my mom for a birthday party (I had to beg her for a lot of things. I saw my sister get all of this stuff, but when it came my turn- I had to beg)
So I begged for a birthday party and invited my "so called friends".  While at the party, someone came up with this brilliant idea (Or lack thereof) to prank a girl we went to school with.  This girl happened to be the daughter of the neighbor who told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.

Her name was B. and poor B. had to live with this woman.  B. and I were once inseparable, but grew apart after a few years. A lot of this had to do with her wretched mother and some of it had to do with the fact she was constantly threatening to sue anybody and everybody.  Part of it had to do with me not wanting to be associated with her anymore.  I wanted to have friends and if I stayed with B., I wouldn't have any. I was already made fun of and tormented enough, being with her would have caused so much more abuse etc. 

So the person that was elected to call B. was...you guessed it...me.   I remember feeling so uneasy about it. My inner gut screaming at me "Don't do it" Don't be a hypocrite.   You wouldn't want people to do this to you- Don't do it." But peer pressure took over.  I desperately wanted to be liked.  
So I did it. and to this day I regret it.
I called and pretended to be this guy V. from our school. I forget exactly what was said, but whatever it was, it was stupid and I hung up the phone. Little did I know about call waiting; however, after the call one of my "friends" said -oh we should have blocked the caller ID.  So...a  few minutes later the phone rang and it was the devil  (B's mom)  asking to speak with my mom.

Party over.

After this situation- I was told no more parties ever.


From time to time I will be reminded of this birthday. Someone will say "Remember when we called B." Although they still think it was funny, I don't find anything funny about it. I want to force myself to forget it. I hurt somebody. Even though B. and I have spoken throughout the years and even though I've apologized and she has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself.


So coming back to the present, I have no idea what my birthday entails. As of right now, it's surviving another day. Talking and being held tightly and closely by my mom as she cradled me was a huge SI relief.   Originally, she was considering taking me to the hospital/psych ward tonight, but after speaking with her,  being held by her, and my SI diminishing,  we decided to wait until the morning. So, I don't know what tomorrow brings.   I may spend it celebrating it in a psych ward like I did for new year's this year.  I guess it all depends on how tonight goes.

Thank you for reading.


Have a good night.

A year ago.

Just moments ago, I was going through another email address of mine and found that I had started another blog back in 2012 with only 2 journal entries, which I totally had forgotten about. One in August of 2012 and the other one on April 1st 2013, my birthday last year. 

Since my birthday is just a few days away, I decided to copy and past that journal entry below. (My inpatient self can't wait a few days to post it)

"So I turned 30 today. Interesting day.  My friends and family all wished me a happy birthday; the only one not excited for my birthday is me.  Not because I’m turning 30- but instead b/c I’ve lived yet another year. 

I have so much reflecting to do.

Here I sit,

Waiting for someone to come along

Sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting

I sit, I wait

I sit, I wait
I am alone

My insecurities are coming out and I don’t like that

I don’t want to hold onto any more expectations.

I want peace, I want happiness, I want to experience Joy, but to experience all of this, I must experience this war, sadness I'm going through.

My friend Anthony wrote to me today

"You know I’m behind you 100%, no matter what and always wish the very best for you. I know we have a connection and I’ll most def send you positive energy. I’m here whenever you need it." 

He also wrote- "You know I always feel that I’m really hard on myself but it's not necessarily a bad thing because that drives me to succeed. BUT YOU…you’re your own worst enemy. Constantly finding things to work on and improve about yourself.  Aoife- THERE’S NOTHING THAT NEEDS CHANGING! All the emotions/feelings/thoughts that you feel make you the unique human being that you are! Your problem is that you’re trying so damn hard to recreate yourself when it can’t  (and shouldn’t) be done. You’re a great person with a huge heart and I absolutely love you. Seriously, be YOU and stop suppressing your human (sometime vulnerable) self" "

 The end of the journal entry


I just want to add that friends like this are amazing, but having friends like this scares me.  They know me.  They know my flaws.  My flaws scare me.  The fact that my friend Anthony may be right about the fact that I may not be able to recreate myself scares me. It must be done- It has to be done. I want to be the confident woman seen in music videos, on magazines, etc. I want to be beautiful. I want to be confident.   I want to be a woman who is extremely organized.  I want to be anything, ANYTHING ,For the love of God and all that is holy- ANYTHING  other than the person I am. 

Thank you for reading

Seeking the patience pill

I've been home for a few weeks now and finally settling in. I feel torn. For a part of me wants to run off to some other adventure and be free/experience freedom, but another part, (the small bit of sanity in me) knows I need to stay. Truth is- I have to stay- there is no choice of running off. When there is no money in your pockets, your choices of doing things and going places become non existent.   I dislike the quote "Money isn't everything" Obviously whoever wrote this bullshit was made up of just that..bullshit!

 Even if money were present, it would be of my best interest to stay for the sake of my future.  It's easier to deal with present pain for future gain, rather than instant pleasure for future pain. But
I know myself and I know I'm a rebel of logic and a pleasure seeker junkie. If I had the cash in my hand- I'd be on the next flight to Fiji.  So, maybe it's a blessing I don't have the money.  It's time to change the rebel and the pleasure seeker junkie I am.

So here I am, stuck and  alone and yet settling in.  What exactly am I settling into? I sure hope it's not being stuck and alone, (especially back here in NJ at my parents house) but at present moment that's what it feels like.  I can't help but think that I'll be forever stuck and alone.
 You would think by now that I'd be use to these feelings of despair.  But I'm not- I'm not numb to them; I'm scared by them because I fear that this will forever be my life. (Can we say distorted thinking?)  But, despite being aware of my distorted thought pattern, I am still suffering.  I guess that's why this process takes time.  I just have to remind myself that it is okay to feel the suffering in the present moment, just don't dwell too much on it and allow it to affect my future.

 Oh how I wish there were a patience pill.

Right now, a part of me wants to call an ex boyfriend; but really what good is that going to do. It's not good for any of us- because that means I'd be using them to seek out instant pleasure and I'd only be feeling worse after doing so because the pain will still be there and may even be worse.
Another part of me wants to go and chop off all of my hair.
Probably not the healthiest coping mechanisms to use.

I know at present moment that I should just give in and become numb, but there is a small, tiny, barely flickering flame inside me that wants to believe that I don't need to settle for these feelings.   Maybe that flickering flame is caused by my word choice of should- Ahhh...stupid distorted thinkin. 

Using my advice to stop thinking right now would really help, however we all know that it's not humanly possible to not think. After all Descartes did state: "I think therefore I am".

Why can't I be a deer or some other animal?
Ahhh- distorted thought again- fantasizing.

Okay, I have no other option but to ride the wave, Aoife, ride the wave.  So here I am, riding the wave and it's not a pretty wave to be riding. Writing this blog is definitely helping with organizing some of my thoughts, even though they may be appearing all over the place. But I don't know- maybe they're not - I guess that's when I survey the method and ask you. Are my thoughts appearing all over the place?


Well in all honesty- I started this blog entry as a way to avoid the pain of having to clean my room (yes...it's still going even after writing a blog about it 5 days ago! It's called cleaning room saga for a reason!), so since I can't avoid cleaning my room forever (which in all honesty would be a amazing, but not realistic, unfortunately--stupid reality).   I best go back to it.

Thank you for reading!

Undoing the Stinkin' Thinkin'

In my previous post I  explained the 16 cognitive distortions, also known as "Stinkin' Thinkin', which are irrational thoughts that some of our minds come up with that can create hell within our lives (literally/figuratively speaking).
In this post, I'm hoping to provide some information on how to stop thinking irrationally.

 My advice is to... just stop thinking!


Okay, okay, I was obviously joking.  So in therapy today, we went  over this whole distorted thinking again, which will help a lot with this blog:  Today, we went over the Negative Feedback Loop.  This loop/cycle starts with a  negative thought, which leads to negative actions that lead to negative results that lead to negative feelings, which then leads you into a downward spiral.  Because that's all this cycle does...well in reality...that's what all cycles do- however some go up (when there is positivity of course)

Negative thought--> negative actions--> negative results--> negative feelings--> negative thoughts

Ideally,  to stop the negative cycle we are in, we'd obviously have to stop the negative thinking.  However, that isn't always easy especially since negative thoughts (or any kind of thoughts for that matter) become automatic over time.  So, it's going to be hard to just go straight to the top and stop the cycle there because a lot of us are unaware of what/how we think. Some of us have  convinced ourselves to believe that what we think is exactly who we are- which is so far from the truth, but we are capable of getting to a state of mind where we believe it.

Listed below are nine ways to go from "stinkin thinkin" to "awesome thinking".  Please be aware that this process, like everything, takes time and commitment to break.

I will admit, sometimes it's really hard to pin point the exact distorted thought that was being used, especially since so many of the 16 cognitive distortions relate to one another very closely.  In such a case, instead of freaking out and yelling "WHICH ONE IS IT??" and causing yourself a panic attack, it's best to simply just say- "Ah that was a negative thought"

1) Identify our Cognitive Distortion
As just mentioned, one of the first ways to end this cycle of thinking is being able to identify which distorted thinking process we are using. Being aware is key and is the first step to the healing process.  Once we can be aware of our thoughts, we can  put a label on them.  Next time we have this labeled thought- we can then catch ourselves and ask ourselves-do we want to act on this thought or change the thought to something more positive so we have a more positive outcome?
  

2) Examine The Evidence
Examine the thought and see if you have the right evidence based on actions/behaviors and statements to support it or not.  
For this method- a good way to examine the evidence is to challenge the thought.  So, for example if I say "You always eat my cookies" I'd look at that and ask myself if it's really true? Now if I was talking to my little sister, it is..hehe jk.


3) Double Standard Method
This requires you talking to yourself as you would to a friend.  I would hope that when you talk with your friends, you talk in a kind, soft compassionate manner.  (Unless you have friend that is  hard of hearing- you'd then speak louder).  But, because you are speaking to yourself you'd speak in a soft, kind compassionate manner.  

4) Thinking in Shades of Gray
If you tend to be an all or nothing thinker, try to remind your self that there are no absolutes, (except for vodka and math problems) use scales from 0-10 as a way to block this type of thinking.  For some people a scale from 0-100 is a better suit for them! But for the rest of us that can't count beyond 10, the 0-10 scale will work just fine! 

5) Survey Method
This requires talking to others, preferably trusted family/friends, and asking them if you are thinking logically or not.   So if I think  "I've got a big butt," I'd go to one of my friends/family members and ask them...in which case they wouldn't have to say anything...they'd  play Sir-Mix-A-Lot's popular song and  I will then have confirmation that yes my thought is realistic...
 I do have a big butt...and I can not lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
When I walk in with an in with an itty bitty waist
 And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed...
 (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

Oh yeah..I did just do that!


6) Re-attribution
 Instead of putting all the blame on yourself for a problem- think about the factors that may have contributed to it...Yeah I don't really like this one

7) Cost-Benefit Analysis or Decisions Balance Sheet
List both pros and cons to the feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors.

8) The Semantic Method, also known as Rephrasing things positively
I think this is my favorite one because it has been the most beneficial
This method entails substituting language  that is less colorful and emotionally loaded.  Because I tend to beat myself up a lot- I use a lot of Should/shouldn't statements.  Instead of saying "I should/you should" I'd substitute the shoulds and say "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake"

Other examples of positive rephrasing include the following

Obligation-Inducing Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
“I need to call my friend tonight.”	“I want to call my friend tonight.”
“I should get to bed by 11 tonight so I’m not sleepy and miserable all day tomorrow.”	“I’d like to get to bed by 11 tonight so I’ll be happy and awake tomorrow.”
“I want to sleep in, but I can’t because I have to go to work today.”	“I want to sleep in, but I also want to keep my job, so I’ll choose to go to work today because I want that more than I want to sleep in.”

Limiting Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
“I’m a horrible cook.”	“I haven’t chosen to spend much time cooking, so I’m not very well-practiced at it.”
“I suck at math.”	“I’m not great at math because I haven’t spent much time studying it, and I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy it at all.”
“It’s impossible for me to be honest all the time; I’m a Scorpio!”	“I sometimes choose to be dishonest, but that’s my responsibility and I could choose otherwise if I wished to.”
“I can’t go to the movies, I don’t have enough time! I have to work!”	“I’m choosing to prioritize my work over going to a movie right now.”
“I can’t make it to your party, because I… uh… have plans.”	“I appreciate the invitation, but I’m more in the mood to stay home and relax instead.”

• Limiting Phrasing	Positive Rephrasing
  “You made me mad by doing that.”	“I felt mad when you did that

All other information adapted from Dr. David Burn's Feeling Good Handbook


Thank you for reading!

A therapist's dream or a therapist's nightmare

It's been two weeks since I've been discharged from my last psych ward experience.  In the time I've been out, I began volunteering at an animal shelter (next to the partial hospitalization program I'm participating in and go 2-3 times a week to walk dogs), been going to the gym 3-4 times a week, and learned how to crochet. (I'm currently attempting to make a pouch for my cell phone/keys etc) 

Since participating in this extensive program (6 hours a day 5 days a week), I have been learning a lot about myself. From this learning experience, I've come to the conclusion that  I must be either a therapist's dream or a therapist's nightmare.  I say I'm a therapist's dream because of all the work I need to do, which leads to cha-ching ($$$) in the therapist's pocket.   The only way I could be considered a therapist's nightmare is if they don't have patience. Which.. as a therapist you would hope they do have patience, however, not all therapists are good. (especially the one male therapist,“Dr. Larry” Brotzen,  I saw when I was 20 years old who told me to wear a skirt next time I saw him for my appointment- not kidding.  Turns out he was/is a fraud in all senses  Fucking bastard only got 3 years. The fucker should have had his penis cut off -Okay- I'm not showing compassion right now....let me rephrase....The mother fucker piece of shit asshole should have had his penis cut off. Now...I think that's a huge improvement towards compassion)


Anyway...So- I've recently learned about the common 16 Cognitive Distortions (Some websites have it as 15...and this one has 50). Although we all have patterns of thinking, those who think with cognitive distortions perceive irrational or exaggerated thoughts as truth. While some people may experience a few of these 16 thought patterns from time to time,  all 16 make up my whole being...yay!

 Many people may question- why people use/have distorted thinking?  In my experience, I used distorted thoughts as a defense mechanism/coping skill, which is probably why I have so many of these cognitive distortions.  I had created these thought patterns (probably subconsciously since I had no idea that my thoughts had labels)  as a way to protect myself from feeling any amount of pain/hurt/feeling bad about myself. Some of this thinking, such as "polarized" and "should" as well as others were also used as ways to motivate me.  While all of these helped with my coping at one point in time, what I failed to realize was that these thoughts were destroying my mind/me all in the process. Being an obsessive thinker also doesn't help..double whammy

So below, I've listed all 16 distorted thoughts. In the next blog I will explain how to fix this way of thinking.

Filtering:
Take negative details while filtering out all of the positive aspects and cause reality to become darkened or distorted. (See poems)
 
Polarized Thinking:
Also known as All or Nothing Thinking
This is known as the black and white thinking (no shades of gray).  We are either perfect or a failure; In my case, I have the unrealistic expectation to be perfect, this only sets me up for constant failure.

Over-generalization:
Believing that something will always happen because it happened once. 

Jumping to Conclusion:
Deciding how to respond to a situation without all of the information.
Jumping to conclusion includes mind reading and fortunetelling 
Mind reading- inferring people's thoughts and assuming you know what they are thinking/why they are doing the things they do.
Fortune Telling: Predicting outcomes- usually negative.

Magnification and Minimizing
Minimizing:  We see the positive/negative as not important or doesn't count and we will see big events as not meaning much.  Minimizing includes using words such as oh it's no big deal, when in actuality it is; saying it's okay, when it clearly isn't.
Magnification: When we see the negative results of our actions as bigger than they really are.  This is also known as catastrophizing. Perfectionists are said to carry magnifying traits.  For example when someone gets an A- on the paper and they make it seem as though they got an F.

Personalization:
Taking things too personally.   We attribute personal responsibility to things outside of our control.  We  think that we are the cause for a lot of things that have gone awry. Another example of personalization would be comparing ourselves to others or believing that everything others do or say is a personal attack.

Control Fallacies:
We distort our sense of power and control.  There are two parts to this: external control and internal control.  In external control we see ourselves as helpless victims of fate.  We feel stuck; we believe we have no control of our lives.   With internal control we see ourselves as having responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us.  We carry the world on our shoulders. 

Fallacy of Motives
We sacrifice for others and our reasoning for doing so is because we believe we will be rewarded by receiving recognition, appreciation, being liked, etc 

Fallacy of Fairness
We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won't agree with us.  We tend to apply a "measuring ruler" against every situation judging it's fairness and get upset when we perceive situations as not being fair.

Fallacy of Change:
 We expect other people to change to suit our needs because our emotions depend entirely on them.
Just ask any of my ex boyfriends

Blaming
We hold other people responsible for our pain or blame ourselves for every problem. We tend to deny our right to assert our needs, say no, or go with what we want due to this. 

Shoulds
We have a list of unwavering rules and ideas of  how we and others should act.  We put a lot of emphasis on these rules and when they are broken by others we get angry and when we break our own rules we feel guilty.   

We use the words should, shouldn't, must, and ought constantly and become very judgmental.
Some of us may use should/shouldn't  as a motivating technique when in reality we are punishing themselves before we can do anything.

Emotional Reasoning:
We believe that our feelings must be true and our feelings interact and correlate with our thinking process. So..when we have distorted thoughts our emotions will reflect these distortions.  For example if we feel stupid, then we must be stupid.

Global Labeling: 
We view the world as one-dimensional. 
It's constant labeling and judging of self and others.

Always be right:
I don't really need to explain this one. The only thing worth mentioning here is that when we have to be right, we become hard of hearing because we are only interested in defending our own opinion and fail to listen to what is being said.


Heaven's Reward Fallacy
 We expect our doing of the "right thing" will pay off, even when our hearts aren't into it.  We think as though someone is keeping score for our doing right all of the time. We aren't fully honest with ourselves in this case.


Thank you for reading! 

Just a few tidbits for those trivia geeks out there. Aaron Beck was the founder of this theory and David Burns came up with the labels for each distortion.  A lot of the information listed above is from  15 Cognitive Distortions by John M. Grohol, Psy.D..

Cleaning room saga.

While cleaning out my room and purging all of the memories from my past, I came upon my journals I wrote from high school to present.  I couldn't help but go through them all page by page; It definitely triggered A LOT of emotions from doing so, but it was very releasing/healing as I ripped each page out and threw it in the recycling bin.
While reflecting, I realized how strange it is that there can be so many changes and none at all at the the same time. Getting older has brought about a lot of change in many ways- physically, intellectually, spiritually etc.. But the things that have remained the same for me has been my inability to be comfortable in my own skin, the inability to love myself, my constant search for not only happiness, but also for  having a sense of belonging and wanting to be/feel loved by others (probably to overcompensate for the lack of love I have for myself). I think it's quite sad to live a life full of insecurities, depression, low self worth/confidence/self-hatred and the desperate need to find outside pleasures to help mend internal pain; and overall, I think it's just a sad place to be when you are a lost soul.   Unfortunately this all represents my life.

Over 11 years ago- I wrote the following poems:

I just need to find a peaceful place
To go somewhere and hide my face
Keep me away from this misery
Keep me away from what I see
All I want to do is dream
Dream of the life that should have been
For this life I have has gotten old
All I can say is that I'm ready to fold
Written 12/18/03

All the things you said
Kept running in my head
Words I wish not to describe
Expressions I wish I could hide.
The dreams I had have perished
There is nothing in this life to cherish
Written 03/03

Within my other blog entries, there are poems I have written more recently (Please check them out if you'd wish- Shredded Heart, Desperate, Chemical Dependency and Fucked up Mind). The sad thing is that they basically say the same things as the ones above- even 11 years later.  I don't know why it is that I haven't learned to love myself.  Perhaps it's from some trauma I experience throughout the years, especially from childhood.  It's sad to say, but when I look in the mirror the reflection I see sometimes is similar to the girl from The Ring- I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. I guess it's better seeing a reflection than avoiding seeing anything at all like I did when I was 13.    I obviously have an extreme warped perception of myself and it has affected my life tremendously in all aspects- in work, relationships, school; etc. It's quite debilitating.  I can see light in others, but I can't see any light within my soul.  And there is no one to blame but myself and there is no one who can fix it, but myself.  I guess this all explains why I had to go to four psych wards in the last 3 months; when you carry this all around for years, one is bound for a breakdown or 4.  
So now that I'm out of the psych wards, I am currently doing an 8 week intensive therapy program. Working on yourself is the hardest, most exhausting job ever and I have a lot of work to do. Each day I feel as though I ran a marathon without even taking one step.  But the most important thing is that I'm showing up- that's half of the battle.   What I want to to achieve most out of this program is love for myself/ to find the light I see in others in myself. 

Serenity- painting I did a few years back

Thank you for reading!








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A Rainbow in Ireland

Original art work from 2nd grade

As I was cleaning my room, I happened upon a story I wrote and illustrated when I was in second grade: 

A Rainbow in Ireland:
We went to Ireland last year.
I saw a beautiful rainbow. The colors were pretty. It had diamonds on the rainbow. My mom saw the rainbow too.
Bridget, Mom, Dad, Patrick, Orla, and I were at the park.

Then I saw some leprechauns.  There was a pot of diamonds and a pot of gold.

The next morning the rainbow was gone. The leprechauns were still sleeping.  I was looking everywhere for the pot of diamonds and the pot of gold.
Then I found a haunted house. The haunted house was moving. Then I climbed up the stairs. One of the stairs broke. I saw the witch sleeping with all of the diamonds and gold in her room.

I got all of the diamonds and gold back before the leprechauns woke up. Then the leprechauns let me have some of the diamonds and some of the gold. They had a lot of gold and diamonds in the pot.  Then I went with Mom, Dad, Bridget, Orla, and Patrick. We all went home. I said goodbye to the leprechauns.

After reading this story, I couldn't help but notice all the "thens" I used in the story. My family use to laugh at me whenever I told any story...I'd always say "Then" or "And Then" in the beginning of every sentence.
But besides all of that, where I really wanted to go with all of this is that I was reminded of the time I spent in Colorado. I've never seen so many rainbows in my life as I did while I was there during the summer.  There is just something about rainbows that brings me such serenity.   It's amazing how such simplicity can create such beauty- sunlight and a raindrop.

 I love the following quote:
After every storm, comes a rainbow.
Just because your storm may be a little longer,
or have more thunder and lighting,
doesn't mean there will be no rainbow.
The rainbow always comes.
You just need to find some shelter
and wait until it arrives.


As I was/am going through my own treacherous storms within the past few months/throughout my life- I lost sight of all of this.  When in the depressed mind frame, it's so hard to realize that the feelings you are experiencing are only temporary and that  sooner or later the sun will start to peak through and a rainbow will indeed form. It's so easy to forget that there is still a sun beyond the dark clouds.
Today while in my day program, I attended two art therapy classes. In the first class, we did mindful breathing and painted freely. Usually, I'd be so caught up in my mind on what to paint that I'd overwhelm myself and begin judging myself. It was so great to do mindful breathing before this exercise, because I just let the water colors and the paintbrush work its magic. I ended up painting a rainbow surrounded by dark clouds (see below); on the bottom of the page were mountains with the sun peaking through.  On the rainbow, I painted an OM symbol and on each side- I attempted to do some calligraphy. I have no idea what characters I painted, but in my mind I painted love and peace.

Colorado

For the second class, we were to create a piece of work that represented what we are  grateful for.  For this piece, I chose water color and painted a landscape of a pasture in the spring.  I'm grateful for the spring for many reasons- fresh air, the fragrant smell of flowers, the warmth of the sun hugging my body, the sight of butterflies and hummingbirds, but most importantly, it's usually during the spring time where my depression lessons and I can live again and appreciate the rainbows.

Thank you for reading!

Addiction

I'm an addict...Coming from someone who has an addictive personality, I guess that's not surprising.
However, lately, Solitaire is my drug of choice and I just can't stop. Last night I stayed up until 5 am partying hard with Solitaire!  OH YEAH!
I get in this crazy mindset where I must win and even when I do win I must win again.  It's the addictive personality I have.
 I'm so grateful I'm not a gambler...bc that would suck; however, I have gone gambling a few times in my prime. I'm banned for life from one casino- I won't go into much detail- it just involved an addiction I had a few years ago- where a  drink or 10 and some fighting took place.
 Anyway, last time I went gambling was about two years ago.  I was working for one of my elderly ladies (she's 96 now) and her synagogue would have casino day once every 3 months or so.  So...being her personal assistant I got to go.  I probably went with her twice and the last time was a disaster for me.  I attempted to be mindful- I just brought 20 dollars cash with me.  However, if I was very mindful I would have left my debit card at home. So of course after playing the 25 cent machines for five minutes, my $20 dollars vanished! Stupid machines. Mind you my elderly lady would bring about $300 dollars with her and we'd be at the casino for at least 3 hours or so.  So after 5 minutes of playing and losing my 20 dollars, I sat around for awhile twiddling my thumbs until this brilliant idea popped in my head- oh I'll just take out $20 more.  Well, I got to the cash vending machine  and did the prompts, but all that could be taken out was 50 or 100 dollars (if I remember correctly; however, there may have been other options, but who needs those details). Anyway- because my credit card was going to be charged a fee of about $5.00. My angel on my right shoulder was like "Walk away Aoife, Walk away" However, the devil on my left shoulder was yelling much louder in my ear and because of that I said "ah heck with it. Take out the hundred and just use a $20." So after selecting the $100, you would think the machine would spit out five 20s so that way I could just use one 20 and lock the remainder in my purse.  But.. oh no- this machine was smart.  It gave me a fresh, crisp $100 dollar bill. Well..as I attempted to go to the cashier to split the $100, I couldn't help but be distracted with all the machines and their glorious noises.  I swear they were screaming out my name.."Aoife, Aoife play me- You will win big".  So, instead of doing what the angel on my right shoulder was telling me, I followed the devil.  So, there I was- with a crisp 100 dollar bill.  I told myself again- okay- I'm only going to play 20 dollars of this 100 dollar bill...if the amount gets to around $80, Ill cash it out.   So there I was..me against the machine ready for the smack down.  Delicately I placed the $100 dollar bill in the slot sending good vibes with it as the machine sucked it quickly from my hand.   "It's on" I told myself.  So as I was pressing buttons and not really knowing what I was doing, but thinking I did, I saw the amount decrease and increase, decrease and increase.  Once it got to my $80 limit, I just had to keep playing. I thought to myself- I can win this! And...within less than 10 minutes the whole $100 was gone. I didn't even have a penny left over. I felt so defeated and so upset.  I just lost my paycheck for that day and some. I was so bummed, nearly cried and just started beating myself up- stupid, stupid, stupid.  How did I let this happen? I know better! Stupid devil!   So in order to try to keep myself from getting depressed over this, I had to remind myself that some people have it worse- some  lose thousands of dollars at a time, some lose houses.  However, my logical mind kicked in, telling me that since I don't have thousands saved and don't own a house- the $120 dollars comes pretty close to that in reality.    It took about a few days to forgive myself for that day. 

So now to present day...I realize I have to fight this addiction.  It is said that one addiction leads to another- I just hope this second addiction makes me useful/is healthy. Like being addicted to the gym, volunteering, healthy eating, or better yet addictive to positive, healthy thinking.

Well all in all,  today has been a good day- tonight I'm going to bed at a decent hour. I played Solitaire for about 3 hours today, sad but true. Another hour was spent playing Word Search, but...that's a whole different story! But all in all, at least it's a lot better than yesterday's time of at least 6 hours and going to bed at 5 am! So I'm making some progress! 


Thank you for reading!

The Land of Misfit Toys

Picture taken at what we called Solstice Rock

It was about a year ago when I decided to move from Chicago to the secluded mountains of Colorado.  I was filled with high hopes and dreams. Prior to this decision, I was contemplating  where I'd like my next adventure to be. I knew it was time for change.  My job was going through a huge transition that didn't seem like it was for the better. (At this time I was working with my disabled women and the company went from caring about its employees and most importantly, the clients to not caring about anyone and just running like an institution from back in the day).  I didn't see the company existing much longer- for all the employees that were there for years had quit or were fired for political, petty, stupid reasons.  All in all, good people were leaving and evilness was taking over.
Besides all of this happening, it was just personally time for me to start my own adventure in life. I was tired of telling people (when they'd ask me why I moved to Chicago) that my ex husband got a job there.  I wanted to start having answers such as because I wanted to/I wanted adventure. Although I loved Chicago, I just knew... it was time.
So...what's next I pondered.
 I dug deep inside myself to figure out where I'd like to see myself and what I wanted to do.  While meditating and asking for guidance from above, the idea of living near mountains;being with mother nature came up.  I realized that I wanted to be away from the hustle and bustle of city life; I wanted to live simply, healthily and have a better sense of freedom.  Overall I just wanted to have a better sense of myself and find myself.   I wasn't sure what to really expect- I just knew I needed something.

 After doing some research, I came upon this center that was hiring that appeared to be a good fit- especially because meditation was a requirement.  I was convinced this place I was going to move to and work as housekeeping manager would be a great experience and a great promoter of healthy living.  Boy..was I in for a real treat.  I guess that's what happens when you fail to recognize the red flags that come up- Red flag #1- there sure are a lot of job openings; Red flag #2: my expectations are way too high. 

Prior to leaving for Colorado I wrote on my notepad:
"Am I trying to find Jesus
Or Am I trying to find myself
Whatever it is, there is something I need to find
I've taken so many things, so many people, so many places for granted
I've spent too much time procrastinating; so much time not living, just existing, so much time judging others, so much time judging myself.
There is so much beauty in the world that I've failed to see.
So much I've taken advantage of
Living this life as if I'm meant to live forever, not realizing the preciousness of it all
I've been procrastinating on everything, on dreams, on life, on love
Not valuing taking care of myself, of anything, of anyone.
Not taking care of the whole nest I live in...and I have nobody to blame but myself.
I have not valued
I have not lived
I have not loved
 I've been wasteful
I've been dependent on others
I've been extreme
There is a lot I don't understand- I don't understand a thing
I'm just learning how to  fall in love with myself and it's the scariest thing ever-
I'm just learning that I have a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul."



When I first moved to Colorado, I stayed with a friend for a week and explored Denver.  It was so beautiful, fresh and clean; until you got to certain spots that smelt like weed.  I know for some people, the smell of weed excites them..not the case for me.

Picture I had taken in Denver

Anyway, after a week of exploration, I ended up going to the mountain, and again, was filled with excitement and great hopes. I started the new adventure by volunteering with set up.  This entailed putting up tent villages for programs during the summer months. Within this time of volunteering, I went to HR to further discuss the Housekeeping manager opportunity that I did the phone interview for and was now going to go through the next steps.  When I met with the HR representative, she told me, nonchalantly that the position was no longer available.  Red flag #3.  I went into shock- this center was aware that I was moving my life here to work and be a manager as discussed in the phone interview.  And then I'm told the job no longer is available because the useless piece of shit of a manager that was going to leave decided to stay and become even a bigger useless piece of shit.  (Really- this guy was the biggest useless piece of shit- he will appear in a future blog titled biggest useless piece of shit ever to walk this earth...in all actuality he's so useless he doesn't deserve to take up space on my blog- he's already wasting enough space, especially in my mind (I know that sounds so mean, but if you had to work with this guy- you'd understand).
  Anyway after nearly going into Oh Shit mode/What did I do, I asked "How was I not notified of this earlier? I told you I was going to move my life here and nobody gave me the decency to give me prior notice? So if that position isn't available- I know there were some housekeeping assistant positions opened that were posted on your site."  Which she then stated in her nonchalant manner "Oh we normally don't hire until the end of the summer" (Mind you,  they do this so they can use volunteers and not have to pay for those months of labor- Red Flag #4).  In shock, all I could say was  "I can't wait until September to get paid.  I already had planned ahead that for 3 months I'd be without insurance and have just enough for those 3 months to pay for temporary insurance." She didn't seem to care.  I continued by asking "Is there anything that can be done so that I can start getting paid for this coming month, otherwise I'm not going to be able to stay." In which she responded,  "I'll look into it." You would think that after this shady experience I would have packed my bags and ran, but no- I stayed. I guess things were looking up- things went in my favor and I started getting paid on the first of June.

Just a few days before June, however, I remember being at this body painting party- where I sadly painted myself. After feeling like the 13 year old trapped in my 30 year old body, I left the party discouraged, feeling alone, etc. I remember looking at the beautiful Colorado night sky with the stars twinkling about asking the heavens/gods above- Do I belong here? Where do I belong? Is there any place? I pleaded for an answer and next thing I know I heard a crack and fell into a ditch.   Miraculously I didn't break anything, but boy did I sprain that puppy badly.  That's what you get for questioning the heavens/gods.

My sprained foot and I- I needed to have my license revoked driving that thing

The summer months went by quickly; However, I did sense there was some strangeness among this center and among some of the programs that were being offered.  Red flag #5-1000000.  First of all, I learned that this Buddhist center was founded by an alcoholic and womanizer. This center and the people worshiped the founder as if he was God.  (For me, I don't like any type of worshiping, whether it's in regards to God or not).  After this founder died due to cirrhosis, the spiritual leader after him had AIDS and spread it among underage boys he slept with. He believed he was so enlightened that he and others were protected from AIDS.  And people still worshiped and honored him!
 I'm not saying I'm some Buddhism/Buddhist expert, but from the readings I have done regarding Buddha/Buddhism, there was just a lot within this center that didn't make sense to me, especially what I mentioned above.
 There were other things I was  uneasy about/didn't understand. For example, there seemed to be a lot of secrecy in the community; only high level practitioners could be exposed to. (Maybe it's my own ignorance to the culture- but I hate secrecy) The teachings considered only certain things to be sacred- where I thought in Buddhism, everything is considered sacred.  Also, when I spoke with people about this particular center and it's beliefs- they said it sounds like Scientology. (which in actuality it does- they do both have levels and it's all filled with craziness on how to be enlightened)!
I also had the wonderful experience of being called a "micK" by the director of education and practice studies here while he was on one of his belligerent drinking spree.  (Mind you...this guy was also a high level practitioner).
 Overall, I found this center and it's teachings to be very cult like and it just wasn't my cup of tea. Some people may ask why I didn't leave this center sooner, especially after finding this all out. All I can say is good question! I guess for me, I  enjoyed most of the people there..I enjoyed being with mother nature and being on top of a mountain. In all honesty, I didn't leave because I wasn't ready and didn't want to: I just wasn't ready to face reality/face the world.  In a weird way, it was comforting being on this "island."

In regards to the strangeness of the programs- there was this one high level program that was affiliated with the center's teachings.  The program was 10 days long and for all 10 days, the participants only wore white, only ate white colored food, and couldn't speak. They walked around like zombies and this was all to signify purity and total "enlightenment".  In actuality, I think it just signified insanity.  I say that for obvious reasons, but most importantly I say that because I firmly believe you can't pay for "enlightenment".  It just doesn't/shouldn't come with a price tag and these "enlightenment" programs cost a beautiful arm and leg. I'm talking at least 1-4 grand..sometimes more.  All in all, at this point, I was telling myself not to drink the kool-aid and that this enlightenment stuff is all bullshit--SCAM!

Other programs offered included other gurus from around the world.  This one guru in particular from Brazil and it's posh followers left their lodge rooms so messy. It was quite disgusting and sickening that these were considered "enlightened" people. I guess to be enlightened one must be a slob.

One of the benefits from working at the center was that we got the opportunity to participate in some of the programs for free. Being the curious type and wanting to learn more about whatever is out there, I signed up for a Shaman program....and I was scarred for life (Thank God I didn't have to pay for it).  I felt like this experience was a sequel to the documentary KUMARE-(I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it- It's a documentary about this guy who pretends to be a guru)

 I don't even know how to describe the weirdness of this experience and I don't even know where to begin.  I guess I'll start out by saying we were required to bring a feather, a crystal, a seashell, a candle and the most sacred thing we have as well as a few other things for this mesa thing. I came in with with all of that; with the most sacred thing being me: my heart and my body. After all, isn't our bodies the most sacred thing we should really cherish? Apparently not- because as I looked around the room to see what everybody else brought, that's when I knew- I better get out of here.  There were so many materialistic  and elaborate, intricate things people brought- I just didn't understand it.  The shaman came over to me and was like "oh the beginner mind."  While in my mind- I just wanted to say: no this is the sane mind.
Anyway, throughout this program, the shaman performed ceremonies. One included him putting liquid in his mouth, swishing it around and then spitting it at us.  Another point during the ceremony he was picking up artifacts from in the middle of the floor that he had strategically placed around, but as he was picking things up he made sure he bent down with his ass high in the air right in front of us women.  Luckily I left the program and didn't return.  Again, I don't know if it's my own ignorance to this stuff, but my eyes and ears had seen and heard enough.

In the midst of all of this craziness, I switched jobs from housekeeping assistant (due to the incompetent useless piece of shit) to a housing, travel coordinator/front desk job. Yes- 3 jobs in one and the worst part about it is that I still had to correlate with this stupid piece of shit. It was while working in this new position where I learned the center was in 5 million dollars debt. Red flag #10000000.  As I noticed my mental health and spiritual health disintegrating due to the feelings of being defeated from wanting/expecting so much and seeing everything fall apart in my own life and all around (including these  overpriced lodge rooms), I knew it was time to get the hell out of there. And I did, but not until I had a breakdown. Breakdown #1 of 4. 

I was destined to go home on January 18th and my breakdown occurred on the 29th of December.  My job had gotten the best of me and overall, my mind had gotten the best of me.  I will elaborate more on this in a future blog- otherwise I'd have to title this the never ending blog.

So... when I look back on my experience from being on top of the mountain,  I can't help but refer to the center as The  Land of Misfit Toys. I use that term because I believe us, the workers were all misfits of some sorts. (I could even go as far to say that the participants were even all misfits).  Some of us were there without purpose, some of us were there because we identified with this particular sect of "Buddhism" and/or wanted to be "enlightened", others were there because they had no place to go, and like me, some of us were there seeking what totally wasn't offered at this center, but didn't realize this until after arriving.  I guess looking back, like me, some of us were there hoping to escape the world outside and hoping to find peace and calmness in a small secluded community located high up on top of a mountain in Colorado.   Basically, we were all there for different reasons, but when it came down to it we were ALL misfits; and like in LOST, the TV series, we were all stuck on this Island.  Despite all the craziness we had to endure with the center, programs, participants, each other... we were all a family, a very dysfunctional family. We could  probably have been classified as dysfunctional as a dysfunctional family can get, but all in all, we were a family.  Looking back- I do have to say that the  one thing I miss about being up on top of the mountain is being a part of the land of misfit toys. The memories I had with some of the other misfits I will forever cherish.
However, it was time for me to leave the mountain, The Land of Misfit Toys, The Island.. especially after my breakdown.  I was a broken woman, broken in all senses: spiritually, mentally, physically, occupationally, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and financially. All that I had when I arrived to the island, I lost; it was all destroyed. It's as if a tornado wrecked havoc within my body, mind and soul. 

Painting I did a few years ago- Broken, Fallen Angel

Adapting back to civilization from this experience  as a broken woman and having to rebuild  has been the hardest part- hence my 4 breakdowns/psych wards in the last 3 months.Nobody will understand the experience I endured other than the other misfits that are out there..some that remain on the island, and the others that have escaped. I just hope to never go back. I can't- It just wouldn't be the same even if I did. And secondly- I never like to go back to places I've been- I like to move forward..it's too depressing going back.  (However, due to my breakdowns I had to move back home, but besides the point- when I get healthy- I'll be moving forward and not looking back)
Overall, the most valuable lessons I learned from all of this are the following: stay away from the island, continue not to drink any Kool-aid and most importantly, do better research, don't fall for any more scams, and come up with my own belief system. My one friend from this island said it perfectly "Religious institutions by their very nature become corrupted awful quickly.  Keep yer distance because spirituality don't need no teachers, your heart will speak louder if you listen than these people ever will." ~A.

Painting I left at the center

Editor's Note: Reviewing this blog several days after writing it, I realized I made the center sound like the worst center ever-like hell.  I'm not going to lie- sometimes my mind will believe it, but sometimes I would see some light and realize that it wasn't all that bad.  I think being in a depressed state of mind, there is failure to notice some of the benefits and the good experiences.  There is failure to understand to accept life how it is- that there is craziness all around- whether you are up on a mountain in a secluded spiritual community center or not.  The important thing I can learn from all of this is to realize and understand that there are some positive amongst negative- like a lotus flower amongst the muck.  There is always going to be a lot more muck than lotus flowers and it's important to focus on the lotus and take in it's beauty.  This shows you how important it is to focus on the positive and let go of judgements otherwise you get stuck in the muck and can even drown in it.

A lot of the negativity exposed earlier is caused by my judgements and inability to accept things for how they are. I have to realize that even though I saw some of these programs as craziness or muck, for some people it is what brought them happiness and peace, which was their lotus flower.  As humans, we all need ways to somehow cope with the craziness of this world  and how people want to spend their money and their  time/life is not up for me to judge (even though I did it so badly earlier on in this blog)  So, with this, I just feel the need to apologize for the extreme negative light I placed on the center. Some of the most inspiring and intriguing programs the center offered were programs directed towards cancer survivors/patients,  teenage girls from war torn countries that came together to create peace amongst themselves etc.
One of the most inspirational programs I am grateful I got to  participate in was the 7 day silent Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) retreat. It was beautiful. It makes me wish the whole  world could experience this.  It brought me some peace and compassion towards myself.

Picture my sister took of me.

Thank you for reading

Where did it all go wrong?

I finally awoke after a 19 hour slumber. I came home from my Partial Hospitalization Program yesterday with my mind and body feeling extremely exhausted. I was only going to take a nap... or so I thought. I awoke once during the night to use the bathroom, but fell right back to sleep. I also awoke when my alarm went off at 8:10am so I could make it to my program, but again, fell right back to sleep. Not happening I told myself.
I'd say some of my exhaustion is attributed to getting my period; while another part of the exhaustion is caused by the brain overload of information I'm receiving in the program.  Overall, I really enjoy the program, however, I think working on yourself/bettering yourself is the hardest job of all- actually I take that back- Being a human is the hardest job of all.
Yesterday there was a discussion on life- how as children we can't wait to become independent. But as children, we fail to recognize that with independence comes responsibilities. I find it a sick cycle- I remember being a kid (and I'm sure like most other kids) I couldn't wait to be an adult- I specifically remember being 8 and counting down the years till I was 18.   Now that I'm 30, I look back and wish I was that age all over again, except of course having the knowledge I have now.
  I don't know who is more stupid/sad- the 8 year old or the 30 year old; the hopeful or the discouraged.

In the short time I've been up, I have to say I accomplished quite a lot in my world.( In the world of "normal" people they'd look at what I've accomplished and laugh). As you can see- I'm working hard on not comparing myself.
 Well- one accomplishment is that I actually got up and ate! Another accomplishment was that I called Sallie Mae to get my loans straightened out.
 Anything Sallie Mae or college related is a huge trigger for me.  I become so upset, angry, pissed off, depressed at myself for ever going to college.  I have a huge regret ever going this route to become "successful." I blame my college experience for my unhappiness for the last 12 years. Even after attempting to go to grad school 3 times, I was rejected.  It is my belief that my undergrad GPA of 3.1 is holding me back.  Sad part is that I can't change it. Even though I took 8 other classes and received all A's, none of that matters.   I know this is something I need a lot of work on- for it has taken over my life.  I have become so fearful of making a similar mistake.  I try to be a fortune teller now and ask myself how the decisions I make today are going to affect me in the future.  The truth is- I don't know.
Unfortunately, after completing the Sallie Mae task- I went straight to bed again and slept for another 4 hours.  The coping mechanisms I have learned while in Program I could not even use for my depression started to kick in and I could only use the coping mechanism of  sleeping.  I just can't wait for the day that I can look back at the whole college experience and shrug it off; or to see it as a beneficial experience rather than the worst experience of my life.

When I ask myself where did it all go wrong- I could easily say college, however, deep within me the true answer is- Being born is where it all went wrong. 

What not to say to depressed people

I feel as though a lot of people who are not experiencing depression or who have never experienced depression don't know how to interact with those who are experiencing depression. Saying the wrong things to a depressed person can trigger them into further depression and a lot of people may not know that and/or may not understand it.  Coming from someone who suffers from extreme depression/bipolar II-  I'd like to give examples of wrong things to say and why it's wrong to say. With this I hope it gives some clarification as to why what you could be saying to someone can be detrimental.  Overall, depression can be genetic, an undiagnosed physical conditions (such as thryoid, head injury, pituitary gland, other medication), can be caused by Post Traumatic Stress disorder,  by suppressing anger, or can be situational etc I also believe depression is caused by not having the right coping skills.

I understand that being around a depressed person is not always easy- it's also not always easy being around yourself when you are the one depressed- trust me- that's why suicide/suicidal idealization can play a big role. A depressed person doesn't want to burden those around them and just sometimes they can't take the pain they are experiencing. Although from the outside, suicide is seen as a selfish act, when you are in the depressed state of mind- you really think it's a selfless act because you feel as though being non existent will bring relief to others, as well as yourself.  In this heightened state- you feel as though you are a burden and realize you don't want to bring those around you down.
For someone who has experienced gallbladder pain and multiple kidney stones, nothing comes close to true emotional pain.  The best way I can describe it is it  feels as though your heart is being clawed at until there is nothing left- and it doesn't go away.  It also doesn't help that when one experiences this pain,  a panic attack as can occur.
(Please note the following quotes were taken from  from  Health.com)




1) "There's is always someone worse off than you" or
"You should be grateful for what you have"
- This is not good to say reason being-as a depressed person you are aware that people are worse off than you and sometimes knowing people are worse off and not being grateful for what you have when you should be, but you're not- causes your depression to worsen.  Some people go into depression due to the state of the world  because they feel helpless and realize that they can't help those worse off. Some people carry the weight of world on their shoulders because they care too much and want to be like Mother Teresa. When they realize the weight is too much, a lot of times they will experience a breakdown/go into a depressed state.  So saying such a comment with further lead them into depression.



2) "No one ever said that life was fair".
Really? No fucking way! We know life isn't fair.  Sometimes being dealt a bad hand of cards-one after another after another etc can wear down people down- especially people who have high expectations and want the best. This can also occur to people who don't have the right, healthy coping skills to deal with the trials and tribulations of life.  So when expectations/dreams are being destroyed one after another, it's easy to give up because if you are running on fumes, you feel exhausted and can't keep up. It's easier said than done to say..well just have lesser expectations.  This is something not learned overnight- it takes a lot of time and practice to get to this state. 


3)  "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Grrrrrrrrr. This one will send me on a rampage.  Sometimes depression isn't about self pity. Sometimes it's about self HATRED.  Two separate things.  And even if it was self pity- it's valid. Some depressed people mean well and want to do so much (like save the world) and when they become overwhelmed and can't do basic things like get up out of bed, never mind taking a shower- they are going to feel sorry because again, they want to be able to do things, but are bogged down and it just sends them into a negative spiral.  I suffer from extreme self hate- a lot of this is brought on by low self esteem that is carried on since childhood.  Even though most people would say get over it- it's not that easy- while some people may be made of teflon and can let things slide off of them, some of us are sponges and absorb all the negative things said to us. 


 4) "So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?"
 Way to be cognitively distorted asshole! Or better yet- Way to be an asshole- aren't you always an asshole, asshole.  That's all I have to say for this one.


 5)"Try not to be so depressed. Look at the positive"
First off- it's do or do not, there is no try.  Secondly- have a demon possess you and try to be positive; I'm sorry, but demons aren't positive. In a depressed mind frame all you can see is darkness there is no positiveness.


 6) "It’s your own fault"
My one sister was always good at saying this.
Actually it's my parents...or better yet it's DNA's fault asshole thank you very much. There is something called genetics and there are also things called circumstances/situations...like Death, loss of job, divorce etc, as well as undiagnosed physical conditions and everything else I had mentioned earlier. It always takes two to tango so nothing can be all someone's fault.

7) "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
 That is not depression- that is sadness-two separate things...Depression lasts much longer. I think in general, nobody should ever say I know how you feel- because only the person feeling it will know exactly how they feel.


8)"I think your depression is a way of punishing us"
I have no words!

 9) "Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?"
In a depressed state- all you see is tunnel vision. It's hard to see that there is light of day. It's also hard to relate to people because you feel alone.  Also, yes- we have grown tired of the person we've become or hated immensely the person we've become, which is why again- some depressed people will contemplate suicide because they can't get rid of the repetitive thought process.

10)  "Have you tried chamomile tea?" or  Meds are bad. 
For someone who has tried giving up meds and attempted the holistic approach -of essential oils, herbal teas, reiki, meditating, moving to a spiritual retreat center, 5HTP and SAM -E- it didn't work. Some of this put me into a further depressed state and caused further suicidal ideation.  After trying for 8 months a naturalistic route- I ended up in a psych ward four times in a very short period of time (3 months).  So yes- I have tried chamomile tea. 
Please- whatever you do- don't be bashing pharmaceutical companies and such when talking to a depressed person who is on meds.  It takes a lot of courage for us to seek help and we are in vulnerable positions.  Don't get involved in playing doctor. It's nice you are trying to help, but you could be causing more harm.  A lot of times when someone discusses alternative medicine to someone with depression and how awful the pharmaceutical drugs are- they may  stop their antidepressants and go into further depression. Please- just let the person figure things out on their own.   I explained to this one person (who mentioned to me to try hallucinogens because it will cure my ills and that meds only prolonged things and makes them worse) that as much as I hate meds and all,  I need them. I also won't do drugs of any kind.  I have had a lot of trauma in my life, low self confidence/self hate, have genetic predisposition etc. What I have going on I know is much deeper than therapy and meds can fix, but at least the meds I'm on are keeping me from killing myself. So please- keep your beliefs about what people who are depressed should be taking/doing to yourself. 
And please- if you are an alcoholic, smoker, or drug user giving advice- don't.  You obviously need help for your own problems.  Focus on yourself.

The last statement that I've heard numerous times, especially when involved in a romantic relationship is "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds" or better yet "There is no such thing as depression"
 No, it's if you loved me- you would support me.
I had two boyfriends in my past who used the line "If you love me you shouldn't be depressed or taking meds"  You would think that after my experience with my first boyfriend that I would have learned and kick anybody who says such things to the curb...but I didn't.  The second boyfriend was worst because he is the one that told me that there is no such thing as depression.  So...of course when I was told this, I honestly contemplated it because I did love the guys..  And because of this and wanting to please them and not hurt their feelings for helping myself.. what did I do?....I stopped taking them.  The after affects were horrible because, naturally, I went into a further state of deep depression..both times. The second time was worst because I attempted suicide.


The following is a list of things to say instead:
I'm here for you
 I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
  I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
I care about you.
 I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
You are not crazy- you are just going through a difficult time.
You are not alone in this
You are important./ You are important to me.
I want the best for you/ I will pray for you/You are in my prayers/a lot of people are praying for you
We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
Any other loving, positive words/affirmations.  (As you learn in kindergarten- if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all)
If you are lost for words- the best thing you can do is offer a hug
Sometimes, not saying anything is the best, honestly- just allow a depressed person to vent.
  
If you are finding that a depressed person is too much for you to handle, which I will admit we can be- and we are aware of it (we don't mean to be- we are just like a scratched record that keeps on repeating) give them/yourself space-Don't abandon them- tell them that you understand they are going through something very difficult, but you don't have the resources to help them. You can tell them that you are not a therapist or trained in these matters.  And offer a hug.  If you know of a good therapist refer them.
Even just being honest and saying something like "I'm sorry I can't help take away this pain you are feeling" is okay. It's good to be honest.

Trust me, as I've said before, I know it's really difficult being around someone depressed- negative energy is very powerful- so powerful it takes 3-5 positives to eliminate one negative.  Whatever you say, just please be positive.  Again- if the depression is too much for your to handle-tell them you are sorry you can't help them at this time.  Just add 3-5 positive sayings to it. Like just know you are beautiful, you will get through this, I love you, you are an amazing person, don't give up etc.  



I hope this helps.


Thank you for reading!

Seeing some light

Peacock by me- Made with markers

This is the first uplifting drawing with markers (that's all that was available) I did while in the psych ward- I haven't drawn anything uplifting in a long time- it's been at least  6 months since I've drawn/painted something nice.   The previous drawings I did while in the psych ward-ended up being ripped up and thrown in the trash for they were too dark, too graphic and too depressing.
 On  one page I had the world burning in fire and the countries were all outlined with fire with the words "Will we burn in heaven like we do down here written"(from sarah mclachlan's song). On another drawing, I drew a fallen angel crying on a rock with fire all around her and fire lightning bolts striking down against a dark black purple sky.  Another drawing I did, I had a rat in a cage and wrote "Despite all of my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage"(smashing pumpkins song), "People suck" and "The shit I am dealing with is too deep for meds to fix, too deep for therapy to fix; the shit is just way too deep it has captivated my soul and has held me hostage" So..as you can tell by this drawing I'm in a much better place.


 Going somewhat off topic-  I find it really disturbing what meds can do to you, which is one of the reasons why I prefer to go the holistic approach. However, what I've been through in the last 6 months, the holistic route won't be happening any time in the near future as I finally have something that works.
So in this past month,  I was at one psych ward for 12 days and then transferred to another one for another 12 days. (Mind you before all of this  I was at another psych ward for 12 days and was only out 1.5 weeks)  The day I got to the transferred psych ward, the doctor took me off one of the 2 meds I was on and put me on the new med Latuda.  After two days of taking it I ended up more psychotic/suicidal/ depressed/irritable/angry- talk about bipolar- I was experiencing mood swings at least 20 times a day for three days; and t was during this time frame I was drawing pictures of the world burning and rats being stuck in cages.   On the second day of this psychotic behavior the dr.  wanted to up the Latuda from 60 mg to 80 mg.  Luckily I refused to even take that pill that night and the next day. I didn't understand the logic of increasing meds when someone is experiencing extreme psychotic behavior. By psychotic behavior I mean- I had to be put on suicidal watch because I told the dr. I wanted to put my wet fingers in the outlets and was contemplating all the ways I could try to get away with killing myself at the facility (to think that you can get away with committing suicide at a psych ward is as psychotic as it gets). Plus I started yelling at the nurses for them not allowing me to have chocolate. It was pretty pathetic- we were allowed ice cream; mind you- I hadn't eaten anything sweet for 5 days (and this is coming from a chocoholic/candyholic) The minute the icecream and a morsel of chocolate touched my lips, my brain went off. I finished the ice cream and was craving my candy bar that was locked up.  I went to my nurse and then to the head nurse to get the candy and was denied it, which set me off.  I was screaming on top of my lungs telling them "no wonder why people are suicidal- you won't allow people to have their candy. You'll allow people to get their fix with smoking to damage their lungs and help oncologists and cancer centers to make more money but you won't give me candy" Did I say I was psychotic??

, I hate the psychiatric field because   It's as if they are trying to make people sick.  Anyway- the good news is that I refused the meds and started feeling better than I ever felt in a long time.  When I had the team meeting the following day (with dr, psychologist, nurses, allied health therapists), I told them that I don't think they understood what my brain has been going through the last 4 months- from my self medicating to all the different regimens of drugs I was put on each psych ward.  I told them that I would prefer to be taken off all meds, let my brain go to its natural state and then start from there. Well the dr. wasn't too thrilled with this and stated that he will just keep me on only 1 med.  Luckily this med is working just fine and I no longer feel as though I'm overdosed on meds, psychotic, suicidal, or depressed. Again, ideally, and as most people on meds for mental illness think- I'd rather be off meds and working through natural remedies; however, this world we live in is far from ideal and that's something I must accept.  So yay to happy pills at present moment.


Thank you for reading!

Past life

 I finally made it home yesterday after spending the last 3 months in 4 different psych wards.  I wrote my last blog on the 16th of February and the next day I was sent to the ER again.  I was in day program and told the facilitator that I just wanted to be euthanized. She then said that I had to go to the ER- and I refused.  "I'd only go if they are going to euthanize me" I told her.  I had a choice- go myself or go by force. I gave in.  I had to see my therapist at the program before being sent to the ER for screening purposes.  While he left the room, I grabbed my lanyard and wrapped it around my neck pulling with great force. I just wanted to die. Sure enough he came back moments later, at first he didn't see what I was doing, as he sat down and typed away.  It took a good amount of time before he realized what I was doing and attempted to force my hands away.  I wouldn't budge. I wanted it to end.  Sure enough I gave in- I realized my plan won't work- and I gave up.  I was then escorted up to the ER.  While in the room, the first thing I noticed were cords.  Yes..I thought.  I was desperate.  I sat in the hospital chair- practically lifeless.  It was as if a demon took over my body.  My eyes wandered over to the plug- Do it the voice inside of me said. So, trying to be as secretively sneaky as I could I grabbed hold of the plug.  The nurse that was in the room darted up and grabbed the cord.  Goddammit I thought as she took it away.  My eyes looked about to see what else I could use- another cord, the sharp container, the outlet. I had so many options or so I thought, but the nurse was now watching me like a hawk.  Godddamnit.  Why won't they just euthanize me- It's that simple!



  I thought the psych ward experience back in 2006 would be my last; boy was I wrong.  It's sad knowing that about 6 months ago I was reminiscing about the psych ward experience and how grateful I was to not have an episode since and not be suicidal.  Then, as the saying goes- like a ton of bricks- it hit me and it hit me hard.  I learned the hard way that to go natural when you have a mental illness is really difficult.  I thought I could be my own pharmacist/doctor because I wanted to be the one in control of my own health.  I don't like the idea of not knowing how to heal my own body. I've had a hard time trusting doctors.  A lot of this is caused by trauma I experienced while being treated in the medical field.

In this one situation- a doctor broke my hymen and tested me for STDS when I was still a virgin.  Not cool- especially since I told nurses and paramedics that I never had sex when they asked if I was pregnant.  However, when the doctor came in and asked me if I was sexually active- I said yes. I was confused. I  didn't understand the real meaning of sexual active.  Who knew kissing or making out wasn't  a form of sexual activity. I understand I may have put myself under the bus at that time, but I was really naive and innocent.  (I didn't understand sex despite what was taught in school. I honestly thought I would be a nun so I never paid attention in Health class on sex, drugs, etc.) To give an example of how naive and innocent I was- my sister  told me what a blow job was at age 18, she was 13.  I didn't know what masturbation really was about until I was 24.
So looking back,  I didn't understand why they didn't confront me and more importantly I didn't understand why they didn't explain why they were jabbing with a lot of force what seemed like a long metal sword up my vagina....in and out...in and out.   I squirmed and screamed on the top of my lungs FUCKING A, only to be yelled at to stay still.  This night still haunts me to this day.  It doesn't help either the fact that by the time I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend of 1.5 years a year after this incident, he broke up with me a week later. I must have been that good!

Another medical field experience I had was when I had a pulmonary embolism caused by birth control when I was 24.  I won't go into much details regarding this, but I had a pulmonary embolism, gallstone attack (which later led me to get my gallbladder out), and kidney stones.  It took me 4 visits to the ER before they finally evaluated and found that this was all going on in my body.  The story of this one would take up a whole blog.

It's interesting how suppressing such incidents/forcing yourself to not believe they even happened  will come back and bite you in the ass.  Since moving home, I've been reminded of all my skeletons and demons in my closet- from this incident to being raped, to being bullied, to failing miserably at dancing to being sexually harassed by a therapist to many other situations.  Being home reminds me of the  time I was five years old where an adult neighbor told me I was ugly, stupid and wouldn't amount to anything.  When most people would have used those venomous words as fuel to a fire burning within their soul, I absorbed those words and made them my own and have  been believing that that's all I am all of this time.  It's sad that some of the baggage we carry around goes back to our innocent years as children.  I feel as though the purpose of living as an adult is to undo and let go of all the shit that happened to you as a child.  Sometimes I can't help but think, suicide is more of a reset button. It's sick what your mind can come up with.