Darkness again

My  Poems from yesterday

Trees seem to be my only friend
Sitting beside them, I feel my heart mend
I sit here waiting
With the rain pissing down
Mixing with my tears
I feel like a clown

 
Stuck in quicksand
Can't seem to figure out who I am
I don't have any plans
To survive
Please someone help me
I'm struggling to breathe
My soul wants to be set free
From this pain


I apologize for my immaturity
I fear not having security
For I've lost my blanket long ago
I have searched high
I have searched low
And yet..it can't be found
 Attachment is now my biggest fear
I get too scared when things come near
I can't cope with losing what I hold so dear
Anymore.
And now that you have come around
You've knocked on my walls
My guard crumbled down
And there is nothing to be found
There is no treasure here
The blanket disappeared.


A fish caught too many times
Only to be thrown back into the ocean
Now it's living life in slow motion
Afraid to take any bait..
Already predicting its fate.
When it's finally caught
You will be distraught
Slice it wide open
And you see it is broken
There is nothing but decay and it is hollow
Not enough meat for a man to swallow
Since there is nothing even to savor
Please be kind and do it a favor
Throw it back into the sea
Let it float away
And be food for a prey
that will enjoy such misery.


This fish can't be caught
I feel a bit distraught
There is no one to blame
I keep myself insane
I keep pushing people away
And at the same time beg them to stay
The push and pulling is oh so confusing
It's almost abusing
The other person involved.



I want nobody knowing I want to die
I want nobody knowing that I'm starting to cry
I feel as though I'm living a lie
I sit here under a tree that's dead
Wishing it were me instead.

Turning towards the Light

I've decided to create a new blog.  Just moments after finishing my most recent entry, First World Problem, I decided it was time to close this chapter of my life.  I am finding that I am going down a negative spiral and I need to stop this insanity.   Sure, my mind has gone insane..but that doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  So I am making the choice by Turning towards the light.  It is time to shake the devil off my back. It's time to bury that horse in the ground.



"Shake It Out"- Florence and the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Thanks for reading! Here, here to a new chapter of my life! 

First World Problem

I know I've written a blog in the past about loneliness, but here I am, again, to write another one.  These past few days have plagued me with this intense emotional feeling.  It's got me to the point where I am questioning if I need med adjustments. A part of me thinks that this is just something I have to ride out because I know there are no meds to cure loneliness..but how much more suffering can I put myself through?  This feeling is deadly.   A part of me just wants to hit the bottle, but my wise mind knows that doing so solves nothing...it only temporarily relieves the suffering.  This feeling is still going to be there when I sober up, so it's not even worth it.  It's not worth the extra pain of a hangover...that's just causing more suffering.

 If only there was a magic pill to cure loneliness. 

 Loneliness is, unfortunately, a first world's major problem and sadly, it is the greatest poverty of all.   As Mother Teresa stated in an interview with a reporter: "Everywhere I go people tell me of their hardships and struggles, and ask for help, and I give what I can. But of all the countries I have been to, the poorest one I have been to is America...America suffers most from the poverty of loneliness.”

This quote is so disturbing, yet so true. 

It's hard to feel a sense of community in today's world.  I feel as though the communities that are out there are way too superficial to begin with.  Religions, spiritual centers..they make me feel more lonely when I'm involved with them.  Everybody appears so happy..but is it all a front? After all, we can't always be happy...it's not humanly possible, right?!  I just look around and I see such dedicated people in these types of organizations.

I've heard before that happiness is a choice and there was a time I lived by that mantra.  It's just hard to think happy when stuck in quicksand.  It's easier to think fear...but I think that's a whole other blog I'd have to write about.

 Social media makes me feel even more lonely.  I find it so hard to be happy for people whose lives are moving forward, while mine seems to be stuck on slow motion rewind.  I also just find it hard to reach out to people in time of despair.  Not many people want to hear about your suffering.  I can't blame them, but I can't put on a mask much longer, which is one of the reasons why I deactivated my Facebook account today.    Another reason is due to the fact that I was experiencing more loneliness being on there.  I felt as though I was being desperate...desperate for attention by posting nonsense stuff...desperate to not feel so alone.  A part of me wanted to express my loneliness, but it's just weird expressing all of that on Facebook.  Expressing myself on here is a different story..because only like 5 people (if that) read this blog.  And..on here, people can relate..which is probably why you guys read it.

 I'm having a hard time reaching out to people because I don't want them to worry.  I don't want them knowing that I'm falling.  I don't want them knowing that my SI's are back :(.  A lot of this is my stupid ego getting in the way.  I just don't think there is anything anybody can do to help me get rid of this feeling.  If someone could hug me for 20 seconds..maybe that would do the trick..but I need a lot of hugs.  Maybe I just need a dog.  I'd hug myself...but there are only so many times you can hug yourself before it gets old.  I guess I need to put more love into it. Its hard to put love into something you can't stand! Obviously, I need a lot more lessons on compassion.

So, the following are quotes I found while looking up "quotes about loneliness." So, I listed a few below along with some comments.

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~Brendan Francis.
I like this one. It's so true.  I really only feel lonely because I feel lost. 

I didn't really like Sharon Salzberg's quote (I have no idea who she is...I just found this quote on BrainyQuote.com) - "If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you'll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness."  Okay...I just looked her up on Google and apparently she is a meditation teacher and author.  That's why I don't agree with it...Oh these spiritual people!  I don't know..I feel like I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart...and I'm feeling more and more lonely.  Obviously, I must not be doing it right if Sharon is stating otherwise.   I just feel as though going deeper and deeper is like pulling the layers apart from my heart to see the core.  My core is pain, suffering, loneliness.  I wish I could take some clay and mold a new heart and insert it into my chest.  I feel like the heart I have right now is too damaged.  I feel like it's road kill. 


Next quote I found:   "If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry"- Anton Chekhov.   This one is so true! It's awful being in a relationship and feeling lonely. 


According to Paul Tillich- "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone." I can't wait for the day I experience solitude.

I want whatever Henry Rollins was smoking: "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." 

I'll end with this quote by Dag Hammarskjold- "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

Maybe that's what I need to do more of.  Pray.  It just feels weird for me to pray. I feel like a hypocrite when I pray, especially for myself.  I can easily put good thoughts in the universe for others..but not with myself.

And..then I wonder why I'm lonely.  

Thanks for reading!

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

Henry Rollins

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/loneliness.html#6f977fPlStijrjUh.99

The Devil's Playground

This week, I was dropped down from full days to half days in therapy.  So now, instead of 6 hours of therapy everyday, I have 3 hrs.  With this, I have a lot of time on my hands...A LOT of time.  Too much time if you ask me.   And with all of this time..comes idle hands and with idle hands comes.. you guessed it...an idle mind.  Welcome to the Devil's playground!


"It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," ~Benjamin Franklin

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Benjamin Franklin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/idle.html#vmF8ocmbb5Mk2VHO.99

With the change in the program, I am forced to face reality.  I'm forced to face the fact that I'm losing the support system I have had for the last 3 months and it's scary.  In a few short weeks, I'll be left alone.  It will be me against this great big world.  My safe haven will no longer be around and it will be up to me to find a safe place...to find safe people that will help me blossom and not destroy me. It's up to me to stand on my own two feet.  It's up to me to not self sabotage.

And I'm feeling it..I'm feeling myself self-sabotage..and it's only been a week since I was moved down.  I see myself self sabotaging in many ways. Lately, my SI's have been banging on my door.  I think some, if not all of it, has to do with the changes that have occurred as well as not having a job lined up to help preoccupy my mind. And I think some of it has to do with the fact that the jobs I am applying for are the same jobs I applied to when I was 16 years old.  Here I am, a college graduate, who has worked for 19 years of her life...competing with 16 year olds for a job.  The judgmental thought of I'm a loser has come into my mind.  Actually, the whole Radiohead song "I'm a creep" is playing over in my head.  Although I'm attempting to be productive by finding a job, exercising and doing art, there is still idleness...and as you can see..there is misery. Luckily, the SI's are not as bad as they were earlier this year, but they are there and they are starting to seep in.  And when you're at the point where SI's are seeping in..you know negativity is already in.


I know during this idle period, I'm to work on skills and practice them.  I am to eat healthy and balanced meals 3 times a day.  I'm to avoid over sleeping and practice doing opposite to emotion action.  However, this all requires self care and my negative mind does not like the sound of that.  So..to avoid self care, I've come to the point where I feel as though I'm starting to revert back to my distorted thinking mode. I'm starting to self sabotage. I'm looking for anything to distract me from actually spending the time to further heal myself. I'm looking for something/someone to cling onto and it's a scary place to be.  I've been in this position far too many times to know the outcome.  I feel myself start to go into desperate mode  to help save the world.  I get like this because I need to distract...otherwise I have to focus on me and I'm too flawed to want to do it. 

As I'm observing my mind and my actions, I realize how easily I try to push people away and I'm becoming aware as to why I do it.  I do it because I realize, in a sick way, it is satisfying when I do it.  It validates my belief that i am unlovable when I push people away.  It feeds into my negative mind.  It feeds into me isolating to further feed the negative mind.


To avoid eating dinner, I went for a run.  I don't listen to any music because I get too wrapped up in the songs.  Lately, I've been avoiding the radio because songs are starting to trigger me.  It just seems like every song out there is about drinking, pretty girls shaking their asses (doesn't help with my body image issues)...people breaking up...people being trouble...all things that are triggering.  So while running, the most triggering of all songs... Breathe by Sia popped into my head. 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me.

Although a part of me was hoping I could be like Forrest Gump and continue running, my wise mind took over.   STOP it shouted at me.  I then realized it wasn't at all possible for me to be like Forrest Gump.  1.5 miles of running was enough because I know I had to run 1.5 miles back and I felt as though I was already going to pass out.  While running back, I noticed the wind pick up and the clouds were darkening.  I wanted it to rain so bad. There is nothing like exercising in a storm.  It gives me adrenaline and makes me want to shout Fuck You! I'm stronger than this..I will prevail. because I know the storm will pass and no storm outside will hold me back. (unless of course it's a tornado, tsunami, hurricane, lightning storm..etc...then that's a different story.)  It's interesting, however, how the tables turn when I'm experiencing my mental storm (now this is when the tornadoes etc come into play)..it's the storm in my mind that yells to me "Fuck you. You are too weak".  So it was during this time that I decided I'm going to beat this storm in my head as well.  So..Fuck you.. I'm stronger than you negative mind...I will prevail.

When I came home from my run..I ate a piece of steak, a bit of a potato, some mushrooms and broccoli...take that negative mind! Lesley, my dietician, would be proud. But most importantly, my wise mind and body will be proud. 

Thank you for reading!

Giving up

I'm flawed in MANY ways.  One of my most detrimental flaw is my ability to give up so easily. I don't recall ever really being like this when I was younger.  I feel as though I had a lot of determination, pride, drive...I had dreams, I had a sense of purpose, I had life...I had a life.  I was living, not just existing. I was focused. But, maybe it's just that I'm looking back at my past through rose colored glasses.  Maybe I'm just fantasizing...maybe I just want people to remember me as being that way/think I was this way.

Somewhere along this journey, there came a point where I just gave up. I can't really pinpoint when exactly this happened.  I know during my senior year, I had my first breakdown..so it could have been around then. Or maybe it goes back even further...maybe it goes back to when I left the birth canal.   I guess it really doesn't matter when exactly it was, after all, it is all in the past. The past shouldn't matter.   All that is truly known is that there came a time when I threw up my hands and the older I get, the  easier it's become to continue to throw my hands up.  Now, the window of time that I throw them up is decreasing.   I gave up on dancing, doing graphic design, nursing, marriage, love...I'm considering giving up on this blog...for Christ sakes...I've attempted suicide...I was and, at times, I still am ready to give up on life. Although, I'm ready to check out..it seems as though my soul isn't just yet.  Why can't my soul just throw its hands in the air?

It's so difficult for me to find some silver lining through all of this.  I find myself taking a few steps forward only to go 9 steps backwards.  I just have given up on dreams.  It seems as though any time I dream, someone else is living my fucking dream.  For instance, a few years back, I dreamed of doing the Rose of Tralee. I wanted so bad to be a model, be in pageants. So here I was, 23 years old and attempting to run for the Rose of New Jersey. But due to the inability to raise the $300 dollars and my mother's lack of support, I dropped out of it. My mom was right not to support me...maybe in a way she wanted to protect me from doing what I do so well... failing.   Earlier this year, my sister ran for it.  Although I'm very proud of her for stepping out of her shell to do this, I just don't get why it couldn't be me to step up on a stage.  I guess it just wasn't in my cards.  It just seems as though none of my dreams are in my cards.  Maybe I just have the wrong cards in my hand. 

For quite some time now, I find myself getting jealous over those that have dreams, goals, and a life.  I get jealous of 17 year olds who have their whole lives ahead of them.  It just seems as though for so many people, they have drive, they have passion.  It's as if they've known what they've wanted to do/accomplish for so long.   Things just fall into place so naturally for them. I'm jealous of people with families.  I just feel as though I've given up on the idea of ever wanting a family.  I would hate to have a mini me running around.  Knowing me..I'd probably give up on them too.  What kind of mother would I be? Definitely not a good one. I"m jealous of people who have a higher power, have a strong love for God, for Jesus, for Buddha...for whoever.  I don't even know how to love...I"m not even sure what love really is. 

I don't like to look at this as the fact I'm lazy..I don't think I ever was.  I just feel as though I had to work harder than those around me just to be at the same level.  It gets tiring when someone can do a job easily, while I struggle to do that same job. That's all this seems to be for me is a struggle.

I can't even read.  It takes me like a year to finish a book. After reading one page, I have to go back and figure out what the fuck I just read.  I can't process things. 

I sit here picking up pieces, but isn't it easier just to throw away things that are broken and buy new? Isn't that the subliminal message we, as Americans, are getting? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I remember being younger and finding it so sad seeing people give up.  I'd look at people who became overweight and wonder why/how they got to that place.  Well, I think I have a good idea now. 


I apologize...I've given up on the Beautiful You diary entries. Surprise..surprise.  I guess it was too big of a task to handle...or maybe I'm lazy. 

Thank you for reading.

Hugs

132:(entry 4) "Hug the people closest to you in your life and let each hug linger just a bit.  With each embrace, you are enhancing your relationship and your sense of self.  You are also boosting the other person's self esteem, letting them know how loveable they really are."

One thing I really love to do is give hugs. I wish I can make hugging my career because that's something I know I'd be good at. (Career #16)  I've been told by many that I give the best hugs and for anybody who wants to challenge me..I'm up for the challenge! 

 Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I crave for human connection.  Maybe I see it as a way to give love and release pain all at the same time. I'm the type that likes to give a big squeeze (bear hug).  When squeezing, I just imagine squeezing out all of the pain from the person's soul and pressing love into them.

 While working at the retreat center, on one particular day, a participant asked if I would like a hug; she noticed that I wasn't having the best of days.  While hugging she stated to me that 20 second hugs are ideal because it's been scientifically proven to secrete serotonin.  I'm not going to lie...once it passed the 5 second mark, it felt a little awkward, but by the time it hit 20 seconds, there was an amazing euphoric sensation... must have been the serotonin!  So now, when I hug people, I warn them that I give long hugs!


Hugs are just awesome! It's just something about the closeness, the warmth, and the feeling of the other person's heart beating..it's the touching of the hearts.  There is no right or wrong way to hug, however, if you do want extra closeness to the other person's heart and have a true "heart to heart" connection...start hugging to the right of the person.  This way...your hearts touch.

 While growing up, there wasn't much hugging in my family.  There really wasn't much when it came to expressing emotions.  My father was known for giving the worst and most painful hugs, which was why we never really received or wanted to give him hugs.  He just doesn't know how to hug.  He thought it was funny to dig his hands into your spine. All I have to say is: nope not funny, so not loving and so defeating the purpose of a hug.  While at the psych ward this year, I had to teach my father the proper way to hug. It was during this time that I was in desperate need of comfort and I needed my father's warmth and love.  So...I had to teach him how to hug properly and I had to go through the steps with him. "Spread your arms wide. Good job! Now wrap your arms around me.  Nope..you don't dig into anybody's spine.  Relax your hands. Good. You went from an F to an E. You are making great progress."  Although the hugs were still awkward beyond belief, they weren't painful and that's really all that mattered.  I had to tell my mom to practice hugging my dad so that he was well practiced when he came to visit, which was every day.  As the days went by, the hugs became less awkward and his grades improved. Make no doubt about it, they were still awkward, but not as painfully awkward as it was the first time I had to give my father the instructions on how to give a proper hug. He ended up receiving an A+.  Since the psych ward, however, he has reverted back to his old ways. Despite this fact, I'm blessed to have had those few days of awkward "proper" hugs from him.  Now I just ask my mom for hugs and I realize where I get my great gift of hugging. It's all from my mom. Thank God I didn't learn how to hug from my dad!  


The following is information from the Mind Body Green website that I would like to share.

1. The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

2. Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.  

3. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.
 

4. Hugging boosts self esteem. From the time we're born our family's touch shows us that we're loved and special. The associations of self-worth and tactile sensations from our early years are still imbedded in our nervous system as adults. The cuddles we received while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self love.

5. Hugging relaxes muscles. Hugs release tension in the body. Hugs can take away pain; they soothe aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

6. Hugs balance out the nervous system. The galvanic skin response of someone receiving and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance. The effect in moisture and electricity in the skin suggests a more balanced state in the nervous system - parasympathetic.

7. Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

8. Hugs are so much like meditation and laughter. They teach us to let go and be present in the moment. They encourage us to flow with the energy of life. Hugs get you out of your circular thinking patterns and connect you with your heart and your feelings and your breath.

9. The energy exchange between the people hugging is an investment in the relationship. It encourages empathy and understanding.

I think as our world is becoming more technological, hugs are becoming extinct. In some instances when I feel as though I don't have anybody to hug, I will go and hug a tree.  It is such a grounding and releasing experience to give/receive a hug to/from mother earth.

Remember to always hug yourself first and foremost.  It's important to show yourself self love. Begin and end your day hugging yourself! I'm going to start doing the same!

Give yourself a hug for reading this :)

15 careers

So in yesterday's blog, I mentioned how I would keep you posted on what plan of action/where I put my foot in today's blog entry.

Well...to be honest, I didn't take much action; however, I did think!!! Woohooo!!
Action does begin with a thought!!

My one thought that came to mind was an idea about volunteering at a children's hospital. I then thought of the idea of painting/drawing pieces of art for the children I get in contact with because I love to draw and paint.
When I told my mom about this idea... I was shot down.  "Do something where you make money."
My response was.."well maybe someone will eventually see my art and donate 1 million dollars to me."

In all honesty, I don't like doing things for money...I don't like money.  I could say it's a self worth issue, but I don't think it really is. I see what money does...or rather I see what people do with money and it makes me sad. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong lens.

  I just don't understand business, money, and the whole concept behind it.  Sure we're told it makes the world go around...but does it really? And whose world does this statement refer to? Because it surely isn't my world.  Empathy, compassion, peace, love and joy is what makes my world go around..but maybe this is all a distorted thought.  Maybe I'm not radically accepting reality. 

Today on fb, a friend asked me if I was selling this painting I created.

Due to the fact, that I'm in a financial dilemma, I stated "Yes... I'm going to start selling my work. I just haven't figured out pricing.   I have to figure the whole selling stuff out.. I use to just give my art away..but since times are tough..I kind of need to start selling... So if anyone has any advice on selling....please let me know."


I have trouble with the whole idea of selling artwork etc.  To me doing art is a way I'm able to express myself.  I firmly believe the talent I have is a gift that was given to me; I believe all talents are gifts given to us.  
There is something about doing art that takes me into a different dimension.  It takes me to my passion...it takes me to my soul. And my soul...does not come with a price tag.  I believe gifts are meant to be shared and not charged.  But living in the world we do...it's hard to get by just on sharing.  

So this is something I have to work through.  

But going back to the volunteering at children's hospitals, I did take the action by looking at a few hospitals in the area.  I just have to take further action to contact them!

On a totally unrelated note:
Now that summer is approaching and I'm doing half days now at my program, I am looking at finding jobs.  Jobs, like relationships scare the shit out of me.  I have commitment phobia...or maybe it's just the fact that I'm not a career oriented woman (I think it's both).  I like to help people, but I don't like being restricted to an 8 hour a day, 40 hours a day rule.  Who came up with this shit to begin with? And why must we all be cattle waiting to be slaughtered following this "way of life."  

The other night, a neighbor of mine came over and suggested I work at the mall.  I was shocked.  This person obviously doesn't know me.  I hate malls...okay hate is a strong word. I dislike malls, I dislike vanity, I dislike consumerism.  I felt insulted. 

 As I'm getting older, I'm starting to understand the whole "time is valuable/time is precious" concept.  With this, I do not want to waste my time working away at a soul sucking job.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a snob..but it's true.  Does working at these types of jobs really help make me a better person? No.  (I'm sorry if this offends anybody who works in retail). I think jobs like this jade people.  It's all about want, want, want, want.  Nope..not the job for me.

Tomorrow, I have a 2nd interview at a sports complex. I'm interviewing for the party hostess position.  I think this job for me is ideal at the moment...it's much better than working at a mall idea.  It's just on weekends and it involves assisting with organizing children's birthday parties and hosting them. In my first interview I told the owner that I'm a kid at heart...so it would be good to work around people my age.   So I will keep you posted on how it goes.

A part of me wants to be doing so much more.   I have what I call the "Mother Teresa complex."  I want to save the world. I want to help so many people, but I have to remind myself I can not. I can only really help myself.  We are all accountable for ourselves when it comes down to it.  As some of you who have been reading my blogs may also know...I have the "geographic cure complex."  I just want to move from place to place.  So I am reminding myself baby steps. I'm reminding myself that it'll all be okay.  Take this opportunity and see what other door opens. 


To end this entry, I want to do my Beautiful You - entry #3. (#137: Consider Careers)..what a coincidence!!!

So for today, I am asked to list 10 careers that I would love to have. I am then to look over the list and consider what it can teach me about myself.  The questions to consider "Are you living in a way that plugs into what this list tells you? If so, how? If not, what's the first step you can take to start doing so?

The following are in no particular order:

1) Vacation Tester
2) Mattress Tester
3) Companion
4) Massage Therapist
5) Art Therapist/Art Teacher/Artist
6) Social Worker
7) Orphan worker
8) Yoga Instructor/Dance Teacher
9) Nomad
10) Special Ed Teacher
11) Author/Motivational Speaker.
12) Wildlife rescuer/animal rescuer
13) Horseback guide instructor
14) horse/animal whisperer
15)  Peace activist/Tree hugger



Okay..I may have cheated..I listed 15, not 10.  I wish it was humanly possible to accomplish all of this and I wish I could be able to jump from one job to the other ever 2-3 months.  However, I realize this is all wishful thinking.

So what does this list teach me?
 I think it teaches me that I'm a giving, empathetic, caring person.  I'm a healer.  I like to help those less fortunate.
I like to be free.

 Am I living in a way that plugs into what this list tells you?
 I am in the process.  I think going to therapy is helping me a lot.  It's teaching me the skills to heal myself- my inner child, my body, my mind, my soul. Therapy is allowing me to blossom. It's giving me strength and courage and is inspiring me to live another day longer.


Thank you for reading!

Reconsider- entry 2

For today's journal entry from Beautiful You, I am asked "What holds you back?" (71: reconsider..Reconsider what is standing in the way of your happiness.")

For those of you who have not read Beautiful You journal entry 1, I recommend you take a look at it so you have an idea of what this blog and Beautiful You is all about.

At first, I thought the answer was quite simple...  It's FEAR.

(Did any of you think the same thing?)

Once, however, I dug deeper into my soul, I realized that this is just the tip of the iceberg.  What's holding me back is much bigger than fear.  It's hulk size..no wait..it's Godzilla size...it is me.  It is me that is holding me back.  It's my mind... my distorted thoughts (fear stems from distorted thinking),  and my judgements that are holding me back.

Realizing this is quite scary and painful because for so many years I've allowed my thoughts to control my actions and reactions.  I've allowed myself to become a prisoner inside my own mind, body and soul.  I've allowed myself to be paralyzed...I've allowed myself to go insane.  My mind use to come up with so many other excuses as to what's holding me back.  My mind framed every other aspect of life.  It's my environment that is holding me back...it's this person that is holding me back..it's that person that is holding me back...it's my job that is holding me back..it's my age that is holding me back...it's my grass that is holding me back..it's fear that is holding me back.  My mind pointed the fingers at every person, place and thing...except for itself.  My mind has been a hypocrite all of this time.

So..now that 31 years have come and gone...I'm left at ground 0.  The positive outlook of all of this, is that at least I have become aware. The downside to all of this is what's next? What do I do?  I can't get 31 of my years back...I can't get even 1 day back..not even 1 nanosecond. 

I know what to do!!!! .....I need to perform surgery on my mind!!! 

Now if  only it were that easy.


What I need to do now..is take action.  Instead of letting my thoughts talk the talk.  I need to put my foot down and take action. I need not let my thoughts consume me anymore. However, the thought of doing all of this is very overwhelming.  Where do I put my foot? Where do I start? I want to do so much..I want to do everything.  See...see how easy these distorted thoughts creep up on me? This is going to take some HARD work. This is going to require boxing gloves.  Distorted thoughts...you guys are going DOWN!!!

 I'll keep you posted on what plan of action/where I put my foot in tomorrow's blog entry. 
Thank you for reading!

Beautiful you- journal entry 1

On Thursday, my individual therapist lent me her book called Beautiful You: a daily guide to Radical Self-Acceptance.   "I thought about you and thought this would be great to help give you ideas when writing your blog" she stated.

I always feel honored when someone tells me they were thinking of me.  It always (not a distorted thought) brings tears to my eyes anytime I hear it. I guess to me, it's just so touching...it's a reminder that out there somebody does care about me. It's hard to tell, however, if they are tears of joy or sadness... I think it's both.  It's all dialectic.

Maybe subconsciously all of this has something to do with being a middle child and all that goes along with the "middle child syndrome."  I dislike that term, but from my experience as a middle child,  I have felt forgotten about and I have felt alone as well as lonely.  I understand some people may say that everyone feels this way at some point, but what I mean is that I would feel it to the extreme.  So, when someone says they were thinking of me...it's just really comforting.

 At first, however, when people told me they would think of me, my reaction/thought would be..."what a waste of a thought." Now that I'm slowly working on increasing my self esteem/self worth, I have gotten the courage to say "thank you" and that brings tears to my eyes because I've come a long way. 

 I stated earlier that when I cry the tears are sometimes sad tears. I cry because it upsets me to know that I never felt worthy to be on someone else's mind.   I actually not only thought that...but worst, believed it to be true..that I was worthless.  That's where the sadness part comes into play.  The joy comes into play when I feel the sincerity of the words. 



So, tonight I decided to open the book and get an idea of what it's about.  To give you an idea...it's about going on a journey that encourages you to develop a clearer sense of yourself.  In it, there are 365 chapters that offer the tools and resources to help you "understand and overcome any dissatisfaction you have with yourself and magnify your brilliance." Some of the chapters involve writing journal entries, while others involve reflections.  My goal is to attempt to do all 365 of the chapters and blog about it.  I can't promise that I will be able to do this daily, however, I will attempt to do my best and that's the best I can do.  So...if I fall off the wagon, please don't be disappointed in me. I'll just have to get right back on.  I hope you enjoy this journey with me.  I hope you have enjoyed it thus far!  Here, here to finding myself!


Before I begin with the chapter I chose, I just wanted to add words from the author that touched me.  I hope you can take away something from it as well.

"There is no quick fix to improving your self-concept/improving sense of self...Every day, you can find a story of someone who medicated herself with plastic surgery, weight loss programs, or new relationships in order to find happiness, only to find that she's not that happy with the very thing that she thought would cure her....However you feel about yourself, those feelings were not created in just one day--and addressing how you feel about yourself will also take more than a day, and more than several. Changing self image takes time, attention, discipline, and desire...Too often, we believe we will finally be content when our body changes in some way. Actually, we'll be content only when our mind changes, when we give ourselves permission and the tools to be content.  The key to feeling better isn't looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding what our bodies really are- vehicles in which we can experience life.  Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration.  If we stop the world's racket and engage deliberately in our lives, we change ourselves.  Beautiful You provides the tools-vision, passion, purpose, resilience, productivity--for every woman who wants to see beauty in a way that is true to who she is and not in the way the world hands it to her" (Rosie Molinary)


I'm glad that there are no "rules" that go along with this book. Although it counts up from day 1 to 365, she encourages you to use it the way it makes most sense to you.

So, when I first opened up the book..I stopped at chapter 146 (day 146): Finish the Sentence.  I saw what was written...didn't like it and looked for another chapter only to pick it again...so I guess that means I have to go with it. So here it is:

"Sometimes we just need a reminder of our beauty and brilliance."

Today: Finish the sentence: I feel beautiful when...


This is a hard one.  The first thing that popped into my head was I never feel beautiful.  And...that's when my Cognitive Distortion radar went wild.  In group therapy, I'm known as the "Cognitive Distortion/Judgement Nazi"( I apologize if that term offends anybody) by the other patients.  I'm always calling people out on their distorted thinking and judgements.  So of course when I say something distorted or judge...I call myself out..I'm no hypocrite!

So..here I am...reminding myself to let go of the judgements and distorted thoughts.

I feel beautiful... when I laugh.  Sometimes when I laugh, I have what I call "the laughing reflex." This is when my head jolts back as I laugh...and yes..sometimes my head will hit the wall.  Apparently I also have a contagious laugh, so then other people start laughing, which in turn only makes me laugh more b/c I find their laughs to be contagious.  It then turns into one huge laughing fest.  And then..it gets awkward because it loses the funniness and all of a sudden it's quiet..but that awkward moment makes me laugh again so it's all just a circus. People who don't like laughter...don't really like me.

I remember a time in 4th grade where we had a laughing contest...oh yeah...guess who won?? As I sat there attempting so hard to make funny faces..Jackie, my classmate, ended up just blowing in my face and I had a laughing fit.  I could not stop laughing. I must have laughed for at least 3 minutes straight. Everybody got mad at me and was like "it's not that funny," but I found it to be hilarious..the fact that I put all that effort in...only for little effort to be put towards me.
Another time I remember is when I was up in the mountains last summer.  My friend Andy and I could not be in the same room meditating..b/c we'd just burst into laughter.  That was the best summer ever. I never laughed so much in my life. We were connected to the hip and just laughed and laughed...over nothing!!! Andy is by far the funniest person I know...I miss you Andy!  (I can't believe I don't have a picture of us). This is the best I can do!  Meet Andy everybody!!!

Thank you for reading!

Disordered eating patterns.

Last week, I came to a point in in therapy where I realized I was pretty confident with the DBT skills I  have learned.  With the help of writing about what I've learned, I pretty much had the skills memorized.  So...since I learned what the skills are and how to utilize them, it was time for me to move on to other problem areas of my life. 


My therapist mentioned to me awhile back about the Emotional Eating program the center offers.  Although I never thought I'd ever admit to having eating problems, I caved in.  At my family meeting a few weeks back, my mother brought up my eating habits to my therapist...and I know I have a problem....I've had a problem with eating for as long as I can remember.  As mentioned in my previous blogs, Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Pulling Petals, I talk about my problems with body image issues and with such issues comes poor eating habits.


The following is a brief overview of what emotional eating is:
Emotional eating is something that occurs in eating disorders...it's not really a disorder in of itself.  Most problems are prompted by feelings rather than physical hunger. Eating disorders have been connected with what's called alexithymia.  This is the inability to identify feelings as well as having difficulty discriminating between physical sensations and emotions.   People can also develop eating disorders when they try to escape or soothe an emotional experience by preoccupying themselves with food or obsessing over their shape and weight. 

 People who have disordered eating patterns tend to have high demands of themselves along with high levels of self awareness.  Since expectations are so high, they become increasingly aware of perceived inadequacies.  With this, people may either increase or decrease their eating as a result of distress.  Overall, binging and restricting food is used as a way to manage emotions.



I remember when I was young, probably around 8 or 9 and flushing food down the toilet. I'd stuff my mouth with food go to the bathroom spit it out and flush it...or I'd strategically stuff my chewed up food in my napkin then head to the bathroom and flush it all down. I don't know what it was..but I just didn't like food.  Candy, on the other hand, I loved.

In  high school, I'd sleep a lot to avoid eating.  My eating habits got worse in college..specifically my sophomore year.  I was on a eating plan that consisted of eating a plain bagel in the morning and a few pieces of lettuce and carrots for dinner. This went on a for a few months. Then I had a short lived purging phase.  I loved being 21 because I'd always get so drunk I'd puke...this meant losing weight...and although it sucked getting drunk and the hangover...seeing the numbers fall on the scale gave me a euphoric feeling.

Although this past summer I ate decently while being up on the mountain (after all...my purpose of moving there was to get healthy...and healthy food was provided 3 times a day), I remember the summer prior when I was lucky if I ate 1 meal a day.   I remember the days I'd go without having breakfast, hop on my bike and ride 10 miles to do housekeeping work for one my elderly ladies.  Most days while there, I would have a piece of toast..while on other days I'd make a turkey sandwich. I'd then ride 10 miles back to my other job where I'd prepare my disabled women I took care of with snacks and dinner...and still barely eat anything myself.  I don't know how I did it, but I did.


For the past two years, I'd partake in doing the Master Cleanse multiple times a year, which helped me lose weight..but made me look sick.  A lot of this had to do with the fact, that I didn't stick to this diet as one "should"...aka I'd ingest less than the recommended amount.  However, to me, I thought I looked healthier than ever.  To me..seeing bones meant beauty.

So, overall, throughout the years, I never had the greatest eating patterns. I was queen of skipping meals and stuffing my face with candy..especially chocolate to overcompensate for the missed meals..so not only was I a restricter, but a binger as well. It didn't help at all when I'd get depressed..which usually occurred around October and last till May.  Being depressed never helped because I'd stop eating (even chocolate)...1 meal a day would consider to be enough for me.  So with all of this... I was also queen of getting sick and ending up in the hospital a few times...surprise surprise.


So this week, I started on the emotional eating track.  When I arrive to therapy, there are 4 different types of food I pick to eat for the day, which includes fat, carbs, and protein.  Some examples of my breakfast include: oatmeal, cottage cheese, apple and a banana.  We are to eat every single item on this menu. We have from 9:30 to 10:15 to finish. If we don't finish...we have to stay for extended meal.  If we still don't finish with the extended meal, it will be marked in our chart and we meet with either the dietician or therapist.  For lunch, we then have a selected meal, which again is a requirement to finish.  The dietician then helps us select a meal plan for dinners.


The following is a brief overview of what emotional eating is:
Emotional eating is something that occurs in eating disorders...it's not a disorder in of itself.  Most problems are prompted by feelings rather than physical hunger. Eating disorders have been connected with what's called alexithymia.  This is the inability to identify feelings as well as having difficulty discriminating between physical sensations and emotions.   People can also develop eating disorders when they try to escape or soothe an emotional experience by preoccupying themselves with food or obsessing over their shape and weight. 

 People who have disordered eating patterns tend to have high demands of themselves along with high levels of self awareness.  Since expectations are so high, they become increasingly aware of perceived inadequacies which lead to feelings of inadequacy.  With this, people may either increase or decrease their eating as a result of distress.  Overall, binging and restricting food is used as a way to manage emotions.

In future posts, I write about any information in this program that I find helpful. 

Learning to say goodbye to my youth

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is really no surprise as this is a daily occurrence of mine.  It all starts with New Years, then my birthday..then tax season..then all other holidays where I am reminded of something from the past and the awful choices I've made that made a rippling effect to where I am today. (Especially when tax season comes around..I look at how much I made and how not even a single dime was saved...I find that to be one of the most painful of all).

So...this is my attempt to try to move on from it all.  With this post, I decided to write a letter to my past self..specifically my 17-25 year old self.  I decided to write about the disappointment I have from the decisions made back then.  I hope for what it's worth that this will allow me to get some of this heavy weight off of my shoulders.   I can no longer live with the pain from the past.

This is a painting I did in art therapy today.  The tornado represents my past.  The hopes is for the tornado to change course and not destroy the future.


The artwork below is a sculpture I made to represent the pain from the past and how it has affected my heart.  There are stab wounds caused by others around the heart, but the biggest wound of all is in the gouged center...and this represents the amount of abuse and self harm/pain I do to myself.  

Pain from the past sculpture. 

 
Dear Aoife from the past.

If I could be in your shoes all over again, I would have done EVERYTHING differently.  Currently, I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't change the past and the choices you made..so I'm writing this letter in hopes of coming to terms with it all.  Please be aware that what I'm about to tell you may seem hurtful...but I'd rather you know the truth of where your life headed than sugar coat it and make it some sort of fairytale. You believed in fairytales so much in the past- it is my duty to tell you to stop believing them.  You know the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side?" Well that was a lie....the grass is only greener where you water it.  

If I were in your shoes, I'd let go of the idea of ever wanting to be famous. I would have let go of the idea of ever wanting to be in Riverdance, of owning your own dancing school...of finding someone you would love forever...of moving far away...of finding a job you'd enjoy... of working hard to get into college...of getting into college...of being successful...of finding peace, happiness and joy.   Whatever dream you had back then was, I'm sorry to say.. but it was wasteful and unrealistic.  And the reason why is because: You never did become famous, you never did get into riverdance, you never did own your own dancing school, you never did find someone you'd love forever, you did move far away, but had to move back right back to the place you swore you never wanted to come back to, you never found a job you enjoyed...you worked hard to go to a school that sucked your soul right out of you ...you haven't found success and you still to this day have difficulty finding peace, happiness, and joy..(.even when medicated- it's difficult).  Your dreams were too unrealistic, too high..too... innocent.  Everything you thought was right..turned out to be wrong.  You thought you knew it all back then, but you knew nothing at all.    You were lost and confused and I understand what you were going through because 13 years later- you still remain the same.  Only difference is, you had passion, you had drive, you had motivation...you had hope.  Unfortunately, you grew into someone jaded, unhealthy, unmotivated and practically helpless and hopeless.  Maybe you wouldn't have given up so easily and I'm sorry to disappoint you..but I have.

At the age of 31-you will be looking for the same type of jobs you were doing when you were 12, 16, 24 years old..from babysitting to being a waitress to doing medical assisting.  You wasted 5 years of your life in an institution that did not care about the person you were...they only cared about the money you gave them to build some fancy new buildings.  You wasted money going to a 13 grand medical assisting school where you had to play teacher 80% of the time b/c the teachers you had were incompetent.  Worst part about all of this was that you could have gone to some other place for $500.  And that's painful to know the wasted time, blood, sweat, tears  and money you put into all of that. For what in return? Nothing but pieces of paper you wish you could burn.  A lot of people will say "Well at least you have a degree..." ....but, maybe I'm ignorant...I just don't see that as a positive.  What did your degree do for you when you became a Medical Assistant?? I didn't see any pay raises.  What did your degree do for you when you were laid off..and the only medical assistant with a degree?...you had a higher degree than the nurses you worked with and had more knowledge than they did...but none of that matters.  The truth is your degree did not do much for you and still to this day has not done much.  You would have gotten a lot farther in life had you gone an alternate route and got certificates.  But, what's done is done.  

Although at the time you were unaware of the affects these choices had on you..I'm here to let you know that the choices you made has caused a lot of pain and suffering.  You my dear friend, were mislead and I'm so sorry you were.  I would do anything to console you and tell you it would be okay, I'd do anything to be the mentor you were looking for...but unfortunately...I have to learn to be my own mentor now.  The choices of the past you made have affected my present today and it's so hard to make present decisions in fear of reliving the past all over again. I'm scared.

In any case, another year has come and gone...another year older...with no bragging rights...only shameful rights.  But it's not your fault.  You didn't know.  Life isn't really all cracked up to what's it "supposed" to be.  One thing I can applaud you for is not having a child..not exposing an innocent spirit to a world of greed.

You did the best with the knowledge you had at the time, which wasn't really much...but you tried.  What I hope to do here on out is to maybe mentor children and young adults.  It's just a totally different world now than when it was for you growing up so I'm not sure how much your experiences will benefit others.  My hope is that others don't fall into the same trap as you did...by going to college. For you only gain knowledge  of what debt is and what it's like to make someone else's wallet fatter.  Say NO to institutions.  They steal your soul. 

Just remember, you did the best you did.  I understand that it was hard for you to follow your gut feeling due to many insecurities.  I learned from you to follow that gut feeling here on out.  I have to give you a lot of credit for being the greatest teacher of all. You're teaching skills however, have gotten way out of control.

Now...please, let go.  It's time to say goodbye.  I lay you down to rest in peace.

The core of the onion

A little over a month ago, I decided to embark on the DBT journey...with help, of course, from my therapist.   And within the month time span, I've written a few posts on unhealthy behaviors  to decrease and the DBT skills used to help with that.   If you haven't done so already or would like a refresher course on the skills, please refer to the following:
Distress Tolerance   skills used for decreasing impulsive behaviors.
Emotion Regulation  skills used for decreasing emotional instability
Interpersonal Effectiveness  skills used for decreasing interpersonal chaos.

 

Now that I have peeled the onion layer by layer, I am at my onion's core.  The core here represents my confusion of self, aka identity crisis, and cognitive dysregulation.

Confusion of self consists of what we call in DBT...the "W's."  These are the  Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I living?  What are my needs? What are my values?...type of questions. It's these questions that would consume my mind on a daily basis...practically 24/7. 



I wrote two posts that went over cognitive dysregulation, aka distorted thinking.   (In  A therapist's dream....., I go over the common distorted thoughts and I explain how to change those thought patterns in Undoing the Stinkin' Thinkin'   It's important to review these distorted thought patterns so you become aware of what you think).  Being aware of what you think allows you  to know yourself better.   After all, Buddha even said..."All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What you think you become."  So if you are looking to change and become a healthier minded person, before even figuring out how to do so, you need to become aware of what to change and it starts with the way you think.  So, once you are aware/mindful of your thoughts, you can then work on changing them, which in return will allow you, as a whole, to change.

 So by now you may have realized that in order to decrease the confusion of self and cognitive dysregulation behavior, we need to increase our mindfulness skills. For those of you who may still be confused as to what mindfulness is, this is the definition:  Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing your awareness on the present moment, while observing one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. With mindfulness you learn to take control of your mind, rather than giving your mind the power to control you.    In order to control our minds, we need to understand the 3 states of mind, as well as the 3 "What" and   "How" skills.

In DBT, we are taught that there are 3 states of mind:  Reasonable, Emotional and Wise Mind.


The reasonable mind, which is all about the facts is very left brained.  When in this mindset, we think logically and see things as they truly are.  Reasonable minds question...what are the facts of the situation (what, where, who, etc)? What happened exactly?

 Then we have the emotional mind, which many people who are sensitive tend to be in most.  Emotional people=emotional mind.  As some of you may know, emotional mind is very right brained.  Emotional mind is made up of raw emotions (feelings) and emotion-driven thoughts.  In this mindset, we tend to see things and think things based on how we're feeling, which often gets us in trouble because we allow our emotions to control us. For example when we are feeling depressed, we are going to experience depressive thoughts and see everything as depressing.  This is just how the emotional mind works.  Emotional minds question: What am I feeling? How strong is the emotion? What am I afraid of? Based solely on the emotion what would I do?


 Now...when you mesh both minds together you get...DING DING DING...WISE MIND!  yay!!!


Wise mind helps us make sense of our thoughts and feelings and helps us come up with a balanced and wise response so that the needs of both reasonable mind (what I should do) and emotional mind (what I want to do) are met. Some people who do not understand emotional people may question why a wise mind is even needed considering the fact that the reasonable mind is obviously the correct way to think.  The reason for the this (and I hope this makes sense) is because it is extremely hard for a highly sensitive/emotional person to just think rationally...it's near impossible because then we would be neglecting our emotional mind.   Wise mind allows our emotions to be soothed and validated as we accept the rational mind's way of thinking.

Overall, our wise mind is the inner part of us that just "knows" what is true or valid (knowing the facts are true, but also knowing our feelings are true as well).  Wise mind tells us to "Stop! Take a breath." It asks us to also find out what's the bigger picture and what is going to be the best response to the situation? What will be the most helpful and effective, all things considered?
I found the following site to be very helpful in giving great examples of all 3 states of minds and the thinking process.  Have a look and this will help you understand why wise mind is the important mindset to be in!!  Example 

 Now that we understand what wise mind is...we can now move on to the other skills needed to become more mindful. 
The following are "What" we need to do in order to control our minds and to achieve wise mind: Observe, Describe, Participate.

1) Observe:

• Observing is all about simply quieting the mind and noticing the experiences/thoughts/feelings without putting words or judgements on anything.   In order to observe, it is best to use the metaphor of having a "Teflon mind." This means accepting and allowing experiences, feelings, and thoughts to come into your mind and slide right out.  It's about not having anything "stick" to you.  There is no attachment to anything when observing.  It's just simply watching your thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky.  Noticing your feelings rise and fall, come in and out just like waves in the ocean.  While observing, you do NOT want to cling on or push away any thought or emotion.   Experience exactly what is happening in the moment...notice what comes through your senses. What do your eyes see, your ears hear, your nose smell, your skin feel, and your tongue tastes? 

The "Teflon Mind"

The "Non-Teflon" Mind

  

2) Describe: 

• Describing is using words to represent what you observed.  A lot of times, our thoughts and emotions can be confused with facts. Because of this, it is important to observe thoughts and feelings and describe a thought as just a thought and a feeling as just a feeling.
• Describing is also about welcoming and accepting the thoughts, experiences/feelings.   For example: if you feel anger you can say to your mind "Why hello there anger." You can also ask angry how it is feeling today...which the response will be "angry."  You can also then say "I'm sorry to hear that"...OR...you can ignore everything I just said and just say in your mind "I am feeling anger." "The thought of wanting to ask how anger is doing has come into my mind." These are facts.

3) Participate: 

• To participate means to let yourself get involved in the moment; become one with your experience, thought, and/or feeling.  Remember to use the skills to tolerate and handle whatever the experience, thought, and/or feeling is.  The more you practice the skills for any of the behaviors, the more they become a part of you. The more the skills become a part of you, the more likely the behaviors will decrease.  
• For example: I've observed the feeling and described the feeling as anger.  Now that I have been able to describe what it is exactly I am feeling, I can think to myself "What zone am I in with my anger? Am I in the Red zone- where I'm about to explode and need to use distress tolerance skills or am I in my blue zone, where I need to use my emotional regulation skills?"  From this I can then participate in whichever skill that my wise mind thinks is necessary. 

Overall, in order to improve things we use the observing and describing skills.   

 (You can use the following as a practice of the Observe and Describe Skill:
Just notice something without putting words to it.
What was I trying to observe or be mindful of? For how long?
When did I notice my mind wandering? Where to? How many times?
What (if anything) made it easy to control my attention?
What if anything made it difficult to control my attention?)

 

Observing and describing allows us then to participate.   Participating is being active: It's walking the walk; it's using the skills to change the unhealthy behavior.

**It is important to practice the "What" skills on a daily basis with everything we do..whether it is brushing teeth, eating, working out.  Striving to be mindful, keeps you in the present...it keeps the weeds from overgrowing and destroying the rest of your beautiful garden.

So...now that we went over "What" to do to practice being mindful, we can now figure out "How" to approach our "What" skills.  

"How" skills are: non judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively.

1) Non-judgmentally

• In order to gain more insight of the world around us, we base everything on fact. (We see but not evaluate the thought, feeling, experience). For example: if there is a purple wall...you'll state that "there is a purple wall"...not a "pretty purple wall"...just "a purple wall." Abstain from using words like "good" or "bad," the "terrible" or "wonderful,"  "should" or "should not," "pretty" or "ugly." Be aware that we can get caught up sometimes believing judgements are true.  Basically, you want to unglue your opinions from facts. 
•  Another important note is to not judge your judging.  For example saying something like "what's wrong with me for saying something so stupid like that"  is judging a judgement. This does nothing but waste time, is ineffective and leads to constant negativity.
• Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that as humans we have been conditioned to make judgements.  To become non-judgmental takes a lot of practice. Be patient and kind. Be aware of what thoughts are judgmental.
• To practice being less judgmental figure out what the judgements were.
• Ask yourself: "How did I feel as a result of this judgement?  Why did I use this judgement? Was it away to 1) describe consequences 2)compare something to standard of ideal  or 3) get out of responsibility?
• Focus now on using the non-judgemental stance: This is when you observe and describe the situation that prompted your judgement. State just the facts.

2) One-mindfully

• Being one-mindfully means focusing on doing one thing at a time and with all of your attention.  For example: when you are eating, eat.  When you are walking, walk. When you are bathing, bathe.  Turn the mind to what you are doing right now. 
• In today's society, however, it is tricky to be one-mindfully especially when it comes to work. You and I, as well as many other people know that in America and in many other places...work requires multitasking. However, it is possible to multitask and be one-mindfully...the key is to prioritize.  When things are prioritized, you can work more efficiently and effectively while focusing on one thing at a time. So overall, it's about prioritizing and using time management skills.  
•  If you get distracted whether it's at work or not, let go of the distraction and go back to what you are doing...turn the mind.  Remember not to judge yourself and beat yourself up for getting distracted. It's natural to get distracted.  Even dogs do it...have you seen the movie "UP"??    (Pop quiz...turning the mind is used as what other skill?  If you don't know..don't worry..the answer is provided at the bottom of the page)

3) Effectively

• Focus on what works.  Do what needs to be done in each situation.  Stay away from "fair," and "unfair," "right" and "wrong," "should" and "shouldn't." Remember...those are judgements.     
• Act as skillfully as you can. Meet the needs of the situation you are currently in and not the situation you wish you were in. Focus, focus, focus. 
• Keep an eye on your objectives in the situation and do what is necessary to achieve them.
• Let go of vengeance, useless anger, and righteousness that hurts you and doesn't work.  
• Ask questions such as 
• "Is that a judgement?"  
• "Would I rather be right or happy?"  (Remember that 'right' is a judgement and 'happy' is a feeling- feelings are truth; judgements are not facts."
• Ask for help!

 

 Lastly, the other ways to increase mindfulness:

Remind yourself to keep calm and carry on. 

Decide what YOU stand for and then stand for it. 

Find YOUR purpose in life by listening to YOUR wise mind

Vow to treat others well. 

Plan for the future, but live in the present. 

Strive to become better each and every day

Have faith in your abilities

Cherish the good times

Love YOURSELF deeply

Be Compassionate towards YOURSELF

Pop quiz answer: Distress Tolerance!!! If you got that right..give yourself a big hug!!!!  If you got it wrong...still give yourself a big hug!!!! 


Trust me...I know a lot of what I wrote is easier said than done..the positive in this is that it can be done!! All it takes is ONE step...it takes being aware/being mindful. After that step..is another step! One step at a time!  


Thank you for reading!
 Please share if you found this helpful..spread the knowledge! 



Information provided in this blog is based on Marsha Linehan's work.