New Chapter

I started a new blog for you to follow up with that I hope you enjoy.  It's in regards to the new chapter in my life and Turning Towards the Light. I hope you enjoy! On to new Chapters!!

Missing puzzle pieces

Doing puzzles is one of my favorite things to do.  However, it's never fun when there is a missing puzzle piece...or 10.  Usually when my puzzles are missing pieces, I take paper, place it behind the puzzle and paint/color it to make it look like the missing puzzle pieces.

I feel as though I am missing puzzle pieces within my heart, spirit and soul.   However, with these missing puzzle pieces, it's not easy to really do that trick. The missing puzzle pieces are deep wounds that can't seem to heal. The missing puzzle pieces are the painful holes of emptiness stabbed to death.   
I don't know what it is I'm missing.  Maybe it's because I have no idea what the puzzle is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be me...but I don't know what comprises me anymore other than these missing puzzle pieces...these deep wounds...the holes of emptiness.

Today in therapy, we had a talent show.  I performed the tin whistle and played 'amazing grace' while the other clients sang along.  After that, I performed Irish dancing, which I haven't done in years.  I got a lot of compliments after my performance.  However, I became quite sad after it.  I miss performing.  I miss dancing.  I miss teaching dancing.  I miss how good I once was.  Mind you I wasn't world champion..not even national or regional champion material whatsoever, but I was still good...much better than I am today for sure.

I miss having dreams.  My youth was comprised of dreams about dancing.  Of getting first, going to the worlds, being in Riverdance.  Dreams that never really became reality at all.  Dreams that are now left as that...just dreams.   I miss those dreams.  I miss working on trying to make those dreams become reality and not failing.    It's been 13 years since I last competed and I feel as though after I gave up dancing, a part of me died.  Most of my fellow classmates from elementary school, middle school and high school remember me for my dancing.  I used to perform every St. Patrick's Day in front of my classes.  I just loved performing.  I loved how nervous I would get, but most importantly, I loved the attention I received from my performances.  It was like my identity.  I was very lucky I was the only Irish dancer in my class because otherwise the other students would have realized how not so great of a dancer I really was.  I don't know.  Maybe I just miss my innocence and I relate my innocence to dancing. Whatever the case...I'm just missing a lot...but when it comes down to it. I think it's the innocence, having dreams and working on the dreams to be reality that I miss the most.


Thank you for reading.

Being Alone

I will admit to the fact that I am struggling.  I find being alone so hard.  I just want a warm body to hold and a warm body to hold me.  But we all know that isn't healthy.  It hurts being alone.  I guess it's really not being alone that hurts..it's more so the loneliness that is painful. 

The difficulty with me and relationships is plentiful.  I get too absorbed in the other person and their problems.  I become dependent on the other person to make me happy. I look for the other person to fix me, make me whole, put me back together...to complete me.  At the same time, I look to fix the other person...make them whole...make them happy.   However, we all know that, again, this isn't healthy and that we are responsible for our own happiness. 
 
 I just want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed, I want to feel loved.  But I think the wanting to feel wanted and needed and loved is an unhealthy sort of want. It's almost as if I want someone to be codependent on me.  It's as if I want to be someone's everything.  It's a constant lesson to remind myself that nobody can be someone's everything.
 
 I'm also learning that I tend to look for others to provide to me what I need to be providing to myself..and that is loving myself unconditionally.

  I have to remind myself constantly not to have tunnel vision...I have to remind myself that I am loved.  I have friends and family in my life that love me, that want to see me better, that want to see me succeed.  I just tend to look for the wrong people to love me.    

The last guy I was with stated to me that it seemed as though I wanted to mold him into someone else.  It's true.  I think it can also go the other way...that maybe I'm wanting someone to mold me.  I think when I get involved in relationships, I put high, unrealistic expectations on the unfortunate individuals.  This probably comes from the fact that I put high, unrealistic expectations on myself; therefore, I project onto others.  I feel as though I am always projecting; unfortunately it's not rainbows and butterflies I'm projecting, but darkness and rain.  I think it's time that I learn to accept being alone and lonely.  I think it's time to start to love myself and make myself complete and whole.  Wish me luck.  This is going to be quite the process.

Thank you for reading. 

Madly in love with Me

A few years ago, my roommate gave me a minibook called "Madly in love with me guidebook" by Christine Arylo.



I have realized that lately I have been putting pressure and expectations on others to love me since I  haven't been loving myself.  However, by doing so, all I've gotten in return is loneliness.  There is nothing worst than being in a relationship with someone and feeling lonely.  Actually being alone and lonely is pretty bad as well...maybe even more so than being in a relationship and lonely.   Being alone and lonely means that you don't love yourself enough to enjoy your own company.  I want to end this.  I want to be my own best friend.  I want to enjoy my own company.

I want to fall madly in love with me.

So tonight, I decided to open the mini book and jot down important information I think would be beneficial for me.


One of the quotes that struck a cord the hardest was: Every relationship you have is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

I say this quote struck a cord pretty hard because it makes me scared to look at the relationships I have, especially this past one in particular.
But I need to change.  I don't want to be scared looking at relationships I am in anymore.  I don't want to be scared of the relationship I have with myself.

The love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you.

It is your gift to learn to accept the person you are today, right now in this moment and love her, all of you.  It is your duty to free yourself to fully express every piece of you without apology, so brightly that you light every heart you touch like a firefly, including your own.


There are 5 gates of self-love

Self-love Gate #1:
I know who I am and what I want from this life.
- move from autopilot mode to self-awareness mode in operating your life
-ask, listen, and never settle for less than what my heart and soul desires.
-know difference between ego, personality, your spirit and essence.
-don't use relationships, substances or unconscious activities to stuff into your holes or avoid your emotions.


Self Love Gate #2:

All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live the life I want, or I don't have them.
-this requires honoring yourself SO much that you only have relationships in your life- friendships, romantic partners, even relatives- that give respect, trust, unconditional love and truth.
Self love requires that you chose me before we in every relationship--this means making a commitment to create what your heart and soul desires.  There is no space in your life for relationships to drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju ju feelings, or take more energy than they give.

Self Love Gate #3:

My body is my temple:

- Since you and your body are life-long roommates, and you can't just trade it for a new one, you really have only one choice:  Transform your relationship with your body to one full of unconditional love and respect.
-See your body as the portal to which you experience everything in life- good food, great love, beautiful places, joy/happiness/smiles/hugs.
-When you notice something about your body you don't like you choose love vs hate.
-Your relationship shifts from being in servitude to you to being grateful for this beautiful temple you get to inhabit while on this earth.
-adore her, adorn her, dance in her, fill her with nourishment, love her for her imperfections, beautify her, by grateful for her, never hate her or yourself within her, and always find comparison for you both.

Self Love Gate #4:

I am nice to myself. I stop beating myself up.
-Give up comparisons.   Love yourself for who you are and use other's successes as inspiration, not as a way to beat yourself up.
Give up Gossip: Talking poorly about someone else is a direct reflection on the relationship you have with yourself.
Know the difference between your inner Mean Girl's voice and that of your deeper inner wisdom.  Know the difference between fear and ego speaking and your highest spirit talking. Choose to be motivated by love
The inner Mean girls is not in control.
You are compassionate and kind to yourself. Treat yourself with kindness as you would to a child.  Give yourself room to grow, love yourself through your mistakes, and Forgive yourself.  Love this inner mean girl to death


Self Love Gate #5:
Self-sustainability.
I deserve to take care of me, I replenish everyday, I take a weekly pause/sabbatical, I give up the badge of busyness, I receive, I don't have to drive and strive in order to survive, I see the value in being..I be before I do, I am enough, regardless if I do another thing.

Another One Bites the Dust

So a "relationship" just ended.  One I should have never gotten involved in. One I didn't want to get involved with in the first place.

I feel hurt and I feel angry.  I feel this way toward the person involved, but more so I'm angry and hurt at myself.

I'm angry at the person involved because from the get-go, I stated that I did not want to get involved.  It wasn't just once I stated this, but numerous times.  It makes me angry how people don't listen and don't respect what I say.  It makes me angry at the the fact that people stay persistent because they are out to fulfill their own wants and needs and not consider others.  I'm angry at the fact at how selfish this person was...(but what should I expect from an addict?)  When will people understand that no means NO?  NO is a complete sentence.

I'm hurt and angry at myself because from the get-go I did not want to get involved.  I knew getting involved would only lead me to pain and heartache and more suffering, which is not what I need. I knew getting involved would only be a distraction.   Sure it would provide instant pleasure...but we all know where instant pleasure gets us to...future pain. And believe me, this wasn't worth any of this.
  I knew getting involved would cost me my best friend who had previous relations with this person. You would have thought I could have learned from my friend...but no.  Sometimes charmers know how to charm.  This "charmer" wasn't worth it.  This charmer was not worth any of this.

I feel angry at the fact I knew the fate of this.  I get angry at the fact I don't listen to my own fucking self.  How the hell am I supposed to expect other people to listen to me when I don't listen to my own self?  How do I expect others to respect me when I don't respect myself?  How do I expect others to love me when I don't love myself?

I feel angry at the fact that I was not interested at all in this person.  I feel angry at the fact that I have low self esteem and the fact that I'm so weak.

I feel like it's so easy for men to get involved with someone because they don't have anything to protect.  While I, I have to protect it all.  I fall deeply, I love easily and I hurt easily.  I have a bruised and broken heart to protect.  I don't know why I bother protecting it.  It's almost become a dead horse.  A dead horse beaten to the ground.

I hate being in a vulnerable position. I feel as though people feed off that tremendously.  Why else is there abuse among children, disabled and elderly.. I need to add broken hearted in there as well bc people love to feed off of this.


I don't know what it is about me that I just can't stay single. All I do know is that I'd like to have a guy friend..but for some reason I can't just be friends with guys.  They always want more. I guess it's my inability to set up boundaries that causes me to fall into this sick cycle.  What is wrong?? Why can't I set boundaries up?

Is it to fulfill the need to feel wanted? To be loved?

 I have no fucking idea.

But it has to end and I have to figure this out soon because I'm tired of this merry go round.

Another thing what I'm tired about hearing is that my "knight in shining armor" will come.  I don't want a knight in shining fucking armor. I don't want a knight.  I don't want anybody.  I want to be happy by myself.  Why do people think that I need a man?  So they can bruise my heart more???

I used to be so fearful in the past to be all alone.  But now that's all I want.  I want to be able to support myself and be independent.  I don't want a man.

I don't need another one to bite the dust. I don't need my dead heart to be beaten anymore

Seeking Peace

Today, I decided to go for a solo hike around where I live.  I've been thinking way too much and have not been still or at peace enough.  

While on the hike, I sat down and wrote the following in my journal.

 So the same story continues on:

I am lost.

Lost in a world of abundance.

Lost.

Maybe it's boredom.

 Maybe it's the feeling of being caged. 

I just feel lonely.

 I feel like I want to explode.

 I have so much I want to express

 and I just don't know who to express it all to

 or even how to express myself.

I just can't be alone.

I don't know how to just be alone.

I miss the days of having fun

Long are those days
Long are those nights. 


I continued on:

Where is freedom? Does it exist? If so, I want to find it.  I don't think it's a matter of wanting anymore...it's a matter of needing it. 

I need freedom from myself.

My soul is clawing. It wants out of this world too much.  The blanket of darkness does not want to disappear.  Where is magic when you need it?

I felt freer up on the mountain.  I was able to roam...roam the land of mother earth whenever I pleased.  That freedom of just roaming is now over.  The freedom of being free is now gone.

Now back to reality I go.  

Set Back

So  yesterday, I had a huge set back.
I had another ER visit.   Luckily this didn't lead to another psych ward visit, but it came close.  It turns out that I will be going to another Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) starting on Monday.
I feel miserable...I feel misery. I feel life dragging on so slowly.  When will it end is a question I keep asking myself.  I stare at the clocks and wonder when things will just end..never enjoying the present moment. Just constantly looking only to see 1 minute, 3 minutes, 10 minutes have gone by.   I just don't seem to have mind, body and soul connection.  It just seems as though negativity has taken over...it has hijacked everything. I have trouble concentrating. I have trouble processing. I just have trouble living.  I feel dull, especially intellectually. I feel as though I lack intelligence.  I feel like I'm having a hard time learning. I have a hard time communicating. I have a hard time expressing. I feel so stupid because I don't have strong vocabulary.  I have to look up everything.  I forget things.  I just feel stupid.  I wish I were intelligent.

  I feel as though the more I live, the more money is wasted...the more bills pile up. I wonder what the point of living is if I'm just struggling to survive. If I'm just constantly trying to play catch up.  When will I catch up. When will I be ahead of the game...not drowning?

Decisions

I'm at a crossroad or crossroad(s) I should say.  I don't know what to do.  While desperately seeking and praying to find something that I'd enjoy doing, I came across a job opportunity of interest and applied for it.  As many of you know, there is the saying...ask and you shall receive.  The problem is I did ask and I did receive. I received the job offer, but I'm left to ask for more.  Is this the right decision? Will this work out? Am I good enough for this position?  Will this cause another breakdown?  Am I emotionally and mentally stable enough for this position?  I guess I'm left asking questions regarding fear of taking this job.  I'm fearing the unknown. I'm fearing my decision. I am fearing my mind.

  I just don't know. Decision-making seems to be so difficult.  It's hard when you fear your own thoughts and mind.   It's one thing when you lose trust in others, but it's a whole different ball game when you have lost trust in yourself.  And how do you get it back?
I'm still trying to figure that all out.


So the job position I applied\ for is to be an environmental educator. The position is to connect 4th-8th graders to the environment, teach respect for the Earth and its beings and promote a commitment to lifelong learning. Although I was excited at first to receive the offer, a huge wave of insecurities and anxiety crushed me.  I'm not qualified for this job.  They are going to be so disappointed that they hired me.  What were they thinking? What was I thinking to apply for this job?  I don't know much about the environment. I didn't go to school for environmental studies.  I don't know anything about high ropes and fun outdoor activities.  What happens if this doesn't work out? Will I have another breakdown? Am I even mentally stable to work at a job like this? I've been so miserable.  Am I going to continue being miserable down there?

The questions and negative comments went on all day yesterday to the point I almost was considering going back to intensive therapy.

My problem with all of this..is that I'm allowing my disease to defeat me.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac



After talking to numerous friends about this dilemma, they each suggested I do a pros and cons list and weigh my options.  So here's my list:

Job Pros:	Job Cons:
- Could possibly open doors to a new career/opportunity/ -Could be a positive experience -Be outside -Meet new, like minded people -Be busy -Adventure -Something new -Growth -Teach Irish dancing -Simple living -save money.   -Help resume.  -Easier to make changes in new environment.    -reinvent myself	Spend Money -          -Ticket -          -clothing- rain gear etc. -          -Bedding Mental instability-Could lead to another breakdown. Long hours working -Away from home -Could be a bad experience -Pay less
Staying Pros:	Staying Cons:
-Family stability -Make more money -Save more money -Get meds straightened out.	-Loneliness -Feeling stuck -Stay miserable. -Could lead to another breakdown. -Be inside my head too much -Hard to change when in familiar setting

So, after much thought and talking to a few very close friends who are supportive of this opportunity. I have decided to take the job.  Please keep me in your prayers that it works out for the best.  

Thank you.

Here's to new beginnings ahead.  

Fear

I have a lot of fears.

Being hurt
Hurting others
Getting too close
Being codependent
Getting old/older
Loneliness
Not having purpose
Succeeding
Failing
Living
Money
Not having money




I fear relationships.
What do I fear about them? Hmmm...Good question.
 I feel like I fear everything about them.  My fear is like an oxymoron.  I fear closeness and attachment, yet I fear aloofness.  I'm not really sure if I fear people getting to know me more than I fear getting to know other people or vice versa. Either way, it doesn't really matter because I fear them both.   I fear seriousness. I fear commitment. I fear losing myself.  I fear codependency. I fear settling.  I'm fearful of being around people who get angry, who get sad..etc.  It just all triggers me.  So in reality...it's just hard to be around people.   I know this is something I need extensive work on.  I need to work on how to react to other people's feelings/emotions as well as my own. I need to learn how to not allow feelings and emotions of others as well as my own be such triggers for me.  You know you have SERIOUS issues when you become fearful of emotions.  

I think my lack of body awareness is a fear in itself as well.  When you are unfamiliar with your own body language and others can pick up on it and know all about you within a short interaction...it's quite scary. It's difficult accepting the fact that others know me better than I know myself.   With this, I fear not being able to remain a mystery.  I feel as though I'm easily readable..and transparent. A quality I really dislike, but I allow it.  I am allowing it by writing this blog and all, but I just don't know how else to express myself and let my my own expressions be known other than through writing. So while others may already have a sense of who I am..I really don't and writing helps me develop that sense.



  I feel as though I need to build up my walls. I feel as though I'm letting them down too easily.  I feel like I need to physically build a fence in order to build one figuratively.  Hmm..I'm thinking I should get some clay and start building because I need to.  What I'll do is just put four slabs of clay together with no door, no window.  That's what I need.

I realized one of the coping mechanisms I use when in fear or uncomfortable is hugging.
  It's a fear response.  When I am feeling any sort of anxiety of any kind, I just want to hug and feel close and protected.  But I can see how using such a skill can get me in some trouble...especially around men.  This is another huge fear I have...men. I have fear with women as well.  I think when it comes down to it, I think my biggest fear of all is my own shadow...my biggest fear is me.

Change

Sometimes it's just too much to see someone else suffer.  I think this may be the case when you have experienced suffering and are extremely empathetic.  It's painful to watch someone suffer because you know their pain all too well; and for those of us who are highly sensitive individuals- you can even feel their pain.  I think the hardest thing about seeing someone suffer is the fact that there is not much you can do about their suffering.  You can help guide them/show them compassion and understanding, but in the end, their suffering is brought about by their own mind. They need to save themselves and be at the point of despair to reach out for help and seek help.  They need to be the seekers of being saved.  One can not seek for them. One can really only pray.

 As a fellow sufferer, all I want to do is to help ease the pain of someone else suffering.    However, I find that sufferers are trapped in their own mind. I know this for a fact.  As sufferers, we feel stuck in quicksand. As an outsider, one may see nothing around us, but in the mind of a sufferer -we are in quicksand. No matter what an outsider does to try to help/say, the sufferer is stuck in an illusion they created in their own mind and it's up to them to change the illusion.


This past weekend was a real eye opener.  I went to a party for a friend who was in town. I haven't been to a party in ages.  I've been to some family parties, but not "real" parties. I forgot the effects alcohol has on people because it's been too long since I've been exposed to it.  But this weekend, I saw it. I saw it first hand what my suffering looked like in the reflection of another sufferer. Although this fellow sufferer was intoxicated beyond belief by alcohol, it  was no different than how intoxicated I've become by my negativity. 
It was scary witnessing what I did.
And It was really sad.


The hardest thing about this weekend was walking away from the person suffering.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  But there was nothing else I could do. I did all I could. I talked, I listened.  But when more was asked of me than I could give,  I, finally for the first time, created a boundary and I walked away.  I continued listening as it was hard not to hear the cries.  It was just painful to witness. The only thing that I was left to do was to pray for the suffering soul. This soul was stuck in the quicksand that didn't exist and I couldn't pretend with him that it existed. 

This weekend helped open my eyes and made me aware of what I need to do. And I need to change.  I need to stop swimming, eating, sleeping, etc in my own diarrhea I created that I failed to clean up.  I need to be the one to change. I need to not diarrhea all over myself and if I do, clean it up right away. 

Here's to change.

My plea to God

Dear God,

I need your help. I apologize for reaching out in a time of despair..  I need help. I need to know what I can do to be a better human; to be more spiritful rather than spiritless.  I need a lot of guidance. Please, I need a body, mind, spirit connection.  I can't live this way any longer.  As I'm trying to make my way back to recovery, I'm trying to find/create a reality that touches and feeds my soul.  I need a job in a warm climate where I am using my gifts that you have  bestowed upon me. Please help me find these gifts, or rather please allow these gifts to come out in full force. I need a life and job that I can enjoy.  A place by the beach would be nice where I can help with healing of others.  Please help make this reality.  In return, I will be grateful and appreciative everyday.  I know I should be like this at present moment, but I'm not..which is why I need your help.

What I'd like in a job:
Near beach
With mother nature
Bike paths
Friendly, healing atmosphere
Someplace where I can use my gifts that connects me to my soul and touches others.
Simple
Healing
Someplace where I can experience gratitude.
Environmentally conscious

Thank you.

Cornfields

Today I went for a long, evening run.  As I was running, I passed a cornfield to my right.  I wanted to go in it, but the thought that I was going to get arrested for doing so popped into my head.  And then I decided to fuck it. There aren't many places I can go around here in my hometown to just collect my thoughts.  To hide and be alone.  There is nowhere to breathe.  Sure I can drive someplace, but where to? There is nothing here in white suburbia to drive to.  And in either case, the car I have been using is currently out of commission. Even if it were in commission, I'd still have to deal with gas and affording it all. It's sad, but true. Money/lack thereof has taken over my life.

 Last week while babysitting I made $342 dollars. I couldn't help but cringe at the fact that for a week of hard work, doing a job I'm not really enjoying, I made the same as I would have working one night at a dive bar back in Boston.  I miss the bar.  But then I had to catch myself as I fantasized about how wonderful the bar scene was.  Although it was fun and games at first, in the end...being groped, having to clean up puke and having to clean diarrhea that clogged toilets was not all that beautiful.  

 So..back to the cornfield.  I wanted to get lost...and never return.  I wanted some evil entity to come attack me as  I separated and passed through each stalk of corn.   But there was nothing.  I realized that corn fields aren't even all that scary.   Although there are many movies where cornfields portray death and evilness, this cornfield wasn't providing me with much of that.  There was nothing to fear.
 I guess I really don't need an evil entity in a cornfield to attack me because I'm my own evil entity...attacking myself, I am my own thing to fear.

So, as I was making my way through the field, I decided to sit amongst the corn.  I wanted to sit in silence; however, my mind had other ideas.  Suicide notes started to pop in my head.  I want to end this. I want to end this life.  The pain is too much to bear. The suffocation is too much to take in. The disappointments.   I have nothing, I have no one. I am disconnected. I just want my body to lay to rest because it feels as though my soul has already done so.  I just want my body to be connected to my dead, lifeless soul.

Unfortunately I have commitments to attend to tomorrow and saturday, so this all must wait.  Maybe something in the meantime will present itself.  Afterall, I am in desperate mode.  When one reaches desperate mode, they tend to give everything up...even their ego gives up. One thing that comes about when in this mode is prayer and begging for help from a higher being, if there is such thing.  When you get into this mode....there is no question as to if there is such a thing...because you force yourself to believe there is such a thing...you become so desperate to latch and cling on to something.  I have nothing to cling onto now except for hope that there is a higher power...that this storm will end.  It has to end.  I need to cling onto something that can take me out of this madness I created.  Something that will save me.  Because I need plenty of saving.  No human can save me...I can't save me.  Please God...if you are out there...save me...save me from myself and all evil.  

  

Chicago.

I miss city living, especially in Chicago. This could be due to the fact that I'm fantasizing what it was like living in the city;  but I felt as though there always was an opportunity to help brighten someone's day around the corner.  There was the opportunity to assist the elderly with opening doors, assist the blind man crossing the street, people to hold open doors for...people that would hold open doors for me.

 I miss the compliments the homeless men would yell out as I would smile at them and acknowledged them, while so many people hurried by them blinded by their existence.  "Beautiful smile.  Keep smiling. God bless you."  Whenever I was having a bad day, it would easily be turned around when with the homeless. Whenever I had anything in my pocket like a piece of candy, I would give it.  I tried to refrain from giving change as I didn't want to enable possible bad behaviors.
It was something about walking among the homeless that gave me a sense of purpose.  I felt connected to them, I understood them. I didn't judge them.

I remember one time when I was riding my bike. Thinking I was a BMXer...I tried to get up on the sidewalk and my tire hit the curb I fell to the ground.  Numerous people kept walking by..some nearly over me.  And who do you think came to aid me? You guessed it..a homeless man.  He helped me up, helped me with my bike and sat next to me, gave me some purell he had in his pocket and a the few clean tissues he had and gently placed them on my hand.
The next day when I went to work, I told one of the doctors what happened and his response appalled me.  "Be careful around homeless people" was what she said.  It just bothers me the stigma that is out there.  Amongst homeless, amongst mentally ill etc.  For me, I think I have more fear being around doctors and privileged people than I do homeless.
After work, I stopped by the store and picked up napkins, some protein bars and Gatorade and brought it to my man.

After thanksgiving that same year, after I had quit my job working with 16 orthopedic surgeons, (some of them which many should fear)  I made ten plates of food and put Christmas cards in each one and wrote you are loved.  I then went among the streets of Chicago and looked for homeless people to hand them out to.  Although at first I was a bit disappointed because I couldn't find anybody, I reminded myself that this was a good thing. That this meant the homeless people were out of the cold and in warm places.  However, as I continued walking, I did find a few homeless people to give the food to. Some of the best conversations I had were with the homeless people.  Talk about enlightened.  Talk about happy.  Some of the most happy people I've met have been homeless.

Another thing I miss about city life is the idea of constantly reinventing myself.  There is a sense of freedom when living in a city compared to where I am living in now, which is in white, privileged suburbia.  I miss the diversity. I miss the different events I could be a part of.  I miss the freedom.  I miss my friends.  I miss the person I was living there...I miss me.

Chained

It's been quite a while since I last wrote in this blog.  A month has gone by.  About 2.5 weeks ago, I completed my intense therapy program.  The last day was quite emotional, as I guess it is no surprised considering the fact that my life for 3.5 months consisted of going to this program.
The final session I had prior to my departure was art therapy.  Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of my artwork as I threw it out. it's been awhile since I've thrown away art pieces I've done, but for some reason, I just didn't like what I made.
What I created was a cherry blossom tree.  I had the branches go in all different directions, as that is what branches do.  As we all know, branches do not form a straight and narrow line; they go with whatever direction they choose.  They take whatever path it wants.
The remaining 15 minutes of therapy was spent on a stone ceremony.  A stone ceremony is where on the last day of the program, the patient picks out a stone and the stone gets passed around to everybody in the room who then briefly make a comment/statement.
So the stone I chose was LOVE.  (I actually picked it out the day before b/c I wasn't sure what stone to chose and it took forever for me to make up my mind.)
So Love it is.

I chose this mainly for the reason to find love...within myself.  I can't possibly know what love is until I love myself.
For the ceremony, 5 of the therapists I had throughout the program stopped by to wish me well; each of them leaving me with words of encouragement and of course words of love.  They told me how great of a person I am, how strong of a person I am, and that I was a pleasure to work with and that one day they hope I see it and that I deserve love and I deserve to love myself.

To me great people, strong people do great things.  Great people don't wallow in self despair.  Great people don't feel chained. Great people don't hate...especially themselves.
So although at one point I felt as though I was progressing through this so called life. I find that now I have taken a few steps, if not leaps backwards.  The meds are obviously not working. But I can't fully blame the meds- it's me that is not working.  It is me that is holding me back...yet again.  It's me that has made me so toxic.  

 I read this off of the facebook the other day:

" Should you help someone who is reaching out and deeply-hurting? Absolutely. Do what you can to help people but have the wisdom to accept your limits. You can only do so much. You should never have a relationship based on guilt over someone's poor choices. It is so easy to find ourselves in denial about someone's behavior because we so deeply wish they could escape their pain and suffering. But what we want for others doesn't work unless they want it for themselves. People must save themselves, and you can only help a person who really wants it and is ready. You have permission to walk away from anything that doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts and listen to your inner-voice — it's trying to protect you. Never stop sharing your love with people; that's why you were put on Earth. But sometimes the way to share your love is to let someone go. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can keep a person from finding their own way and moving to the next level of their own path — and that person could even be you. Sometimes the best way to save someone is to walk-away. Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.

Your life was meant for more than being a life-long doormat for deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, energy vampires, users, abusers, ragers and passive-aggressive backstabbers. Some of these people are rabidly-infected with obvious madness. Some have less obvious ways, such as the "helpful" enabler, who sends you off to your destruction with a helping hand and a smile. Some are "doubt-whispers," who plant the seeds of non-belief in your heart to take root, so they can then console you in your inevitable moment of defeat. There are also perpetual victims who feed on your constant attention. Call them what you want, you know exactly who I am talking about. One thing always reveals their sometimes hidden identity — after you have been around them, how do you feel; have you been depleted and drained or energized and inspired?

A person at peace can immediately recognize a consciousness in crisis, whereas those in crisis cannot fully understand themselves or others. This is the eternal challenge with ignorance — ignorance can't see itself. People often turn away from good advice because they need something another person can never give them — discovery. As much as we would like to help others avoid pain, sometimes we have to let go         and allow them to receive their painful lessons. Suffering is one of life's great teachers. You cannot save people from themselves. All you can do is stand firmly in your hopes for them, with compassion.

I know you want to be a good person and be helpful to people in need, but it's impossible to give to others if you have been used-up. Being a good person has nothing to do with allowing people to destroy you. There are limits. You can best help others from a position of strength, not weakness. So, don't forget to be good to yourself first. Don't forget to take care of you! It is never cruel to want to save yourself from being swamped by fools. You cannot save everyone. Some people are going to destroy themselves no matter how much you try to help them. Their lives are full of emptiness, chaos and dysfunction, and they will bring their misery and pain into your life with full-force if you allow it. Then there are others who have the outward appearance of success and are seemingly not self-destructive in nature. These people do not destroy themselves, but instead survive through the destruction of others — these are the users. Either of these types of people will latch-on to you in a death-spiral and take you down to the depths of hell with them. This is your life and you have the right and responsibility to make good decisions for yourself.

You must firmly, absolutely and ruthlessly protect your safety and sanity. Misery loves good company, so if you are surrounded with drama, gossip and fools you may want to consider that you are presently at risk of becoming one of them. The real zombie-apocalypse is the pandemic of drama and mediocrity. Troublemakers will infect you with the malady of their madness. And especially, if your positivity immune system is low, any exposure to a person afflicted with negativity can poison your life. You have to get these people out of your life once and for all. One of the fastest ways you can profoundly change your life is to rid yourself of toxic people. When you do come in contact with one of these people run for your life. Get to safety. Meditatively and spiritually decontaminate yourself. Scrub down your brain with a wire-brush and remove their insanity from the corridors of your mind. Inoculate yourself immediately by creating a safe space and aligning yourself with healthy people. If you have to go it alone for a while until you find your healthy tribe and chosen family, that is fine. Being alone is much better than being around negative people out of loneliness or desperation.

Boundaries and risk management are very important parts of living a healthy and positive life. Even professionals like therapists, psychologists and social workers limit their exposure to their clients and draw boundaries. What makes you think you can handle unlimited exposure to toxic people and survive? You can still be a charitable person who helps and cares about people, without helping those very people destroy your life. Learn how to draw a line and learn how to enforce it. Get selfish and take care of you. Cleanliness and order is good Feng Shui which applies to people even more than to the things in your life. You must clear out what you don't want, to make room for what you do want to arrive. The way to send a clear message that you are ready for better people in your life is the kick the rascals to the curb. We strive our whole lives to love people unconditionally, but sometimes we need to get rid of people unconditionally. The intimate space of your personal life should be reserved for amazing, beautiful, radiant souls — good, wholesome and loving people. Your truest family is your chosen family, people with whom you most identify. Make a clear decision on the type of people you want in your life and if they don't make the cut, then create some distance. It doesn't matter if it is a close relative, parent or child-hood friend; no matter the history — when people are toxic, disruptive and dysfunctional with no reasonable signs of recovery, then they need to go. Sometimes, to escape a bad relationship and reclaim our lives, we have to break a piece of our heart off, like a wolf chews its leg off to escape a steel trap. Love toxic people from a distance.

Now could be the time to walk away; hell, you may even need to run. Haven't you been listening to your inner-voice? Be honest, your gut has been screaming but you have been ignoring it. How much more of your life are you going to throw-away for a lie? Accept it. Some people never change. Some people have abusive, negative, controlling tendencies in their blood; they are wired for havoc, bickering and deception. They know of no other way to interface with others except through their created chaos. Chaos is their home-court advantage where they play their mind-games so they can have power over you; it's a rigged game you can never win. They will wear you ragged and bring you to your knees emotionally and physically. In time they will destroy every wonderful thing you have in your life. You are in danger: your health, your peace of mind, your happiness and maybe even your life. There is more than one way to lose your life; quickly through violence, or fettered-away and wasted around dreadful, toxic people. You must take control of your life and make good decisions for yourself. The insanity must end, for your sake and for theirs.

Sometimes a person needs us to abandon them, but we hang-on anyway, which can be devastating for both parties. Helping others can sometimes even be a convenient distraction from addressing our own unresolved issues. When someone you know is so toxic and destructive that they are poisoning your life, you have to create some distance. They need you to walk away as much as you need it. People who are out of control desperately need to observe your healthy boundaries in-play to learn from your example. You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours on them. There is a difference between giving-up and strategic disengagement. Know the difference. Learn how to let people go. Stop holding-on to the wrong people. Let them go on their own way; if not for you, then for them.

You can help others once you are safe, secure and successful in your own life. Practically every successful person you know of is successful, in part, because they moved the destructive and disruptive people out of their lives. Successful people carefully manage their energy and associations; they are gatekeepers. Who you allow into your life, mind and heart are among the most important decisions you will ever make. Take inventory of the people with whom you spend the most time. Who you spend your time with is who you are, or who you will soon become. Limit your exposure to unhealthy and unsupportive people. Love yourself enough to say no to people who diminish your chances for a beautiful and empowered life. Sometimes you have to get away from what you know to discover what you don't know. It is time for the abuse, control, lies and negativity to end. Align yourself with a new tribe of healthy people who are supportive of your highest good and potential. Find the people who are living the positive lifestyle you wish for yourself and who share your values, and create a new family of friends that you can call, "home." Your new positive and supportive tribe will edify you, strengthen you and empower you to serve others in ways you would have never before imagined. Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. It is not too late for you. It is never too late to begin loving yourself again. It is never too late to have the life you deserve. Healing for everyone begins with self-love — starting right now"

The things is...how do you walk away from yourself when you are the toxic one in your life.  I've become so toxic that I don't want to reach out to anyone, I don't want to get close to anyone because I'm aware of how toxic I am.  

 

Incompetent fool

Yesterday was filled with a lot of irony. I guess that's no surprise considering the fact that it was a full moon and Friday the 13th. What made the day so ironic was the fact that I revisited my high school to participate in the relay for life.  The whole idea of ever stepping foot back into my high school is absurd.  However, here I was, walking the halls I had walked down numerous times so many years ago.  I saw the mirrors that I use to avoid, and although my first reaction was to avoid them, I tried to show compassion to myself and tell myself it's okay to look.  "You're not going to break it. Don't fear the image in the mirror." I told myself.

 The feeling of being around so many high school students was a common feeling...it's the "I'm so out of place" feeling.  I say  it is common b/c even while in high school, I felt so out of place and that feeling continues to linger on.  Being within these walls was just really strange.  I forgot what the school looked like inside, the only thing I can say from all of it was that it appeared so much smaller than how I remembered it.

I was reminded of my very first day of freshman year.  During homeroom, I got really sick.  I went to the bathroom and started to feel  intense stomach pain, queasy/nauseous and started shaking and crying uncontrollably.  Although I didn't know what it was at the time, looking back,  I was having severe panic attack.  I had gone to the nurse who thought I may have a stomach bug since I had the extreme stomach pain and she sent me home.  I can't help but think if only I was treated for my panic attacks back then...it would have saved me a lot of trouble...especially in college.  College was where I experienced it the worst, especially while giving presentations in front of the class. There were numerous times I ran out of the classroom while giving the presentation, or after due to the intense feelings I was experiencing.  It wasn't fun at all.

Okay, I'm going off topic.

So another thing I found ironic was the fact that here I was among people who either were fighting for their lives or had a loved one that was, or one that passed away from cancer.

I couldn't help but feel out of place and ashamed of myself.

You see, while these people are fighting for their lives, I'm fighting for the complete opposite.  I would do anything to give up my 'right' to live so that someone else can live.  And it just sucks that life doesn't work out that way.  It sucks how while people are fighting to live and have so much appreciation for life, I continue to contemplate suicide and continue to not have the ability to appreciate anything.


I'm not going to lie. Today has been quite a numb day.

I went to go weed whacking where my father works.  Mind you, I've never done weed whacking before.  Sure I worked for a landscaping company one summer, but that included spreading mulch, planting,  and weeding by hand.  My father briefly demonstrated how to use the machine with a quick demonstration as he usually does when teaching things.  Although the whole concept of weed whacking isn't hard, I wasn't told about the wire strings.

So..off I went to his work to begin the job.  When I arrived I saw the owner's wife on the lawn mower and  saw the weed whacker near the barn.  Although she saw me, she kept on mowing the lawn, so I figured I'd turned it on and start weed whacking the pathway. I really had no idea where they wanted me to weed whack so I kind of did it everywhere.  I must have been weed whacking for a good forty five minutes before I noticed that the weed whacker did not seem to be whacking any weeds. So, I turned it off and didn't see any wire string left. I started to panic.  "Oh no I broke it. You idiot. You can't do anything right." said the voice inside my head... "You're so stupid."    Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I went over to the house to see if the owner was home to help me. He came out and I apologized profusely about the wire string. In which of course he was like "no problem, it happens" as he worked his magic to fix it.

So off I went to continue doing the work.  But the voice got louder and more abusive as the day went on..  "You don't have any clue what you are doing. Look at all the time you wasted.  It doesn't even look like you touched anything.  You're going to embarrass dad.  You have to go back and redo everything. It's not good enough. You're not good enough. Why are you even here?. Why are you living?  You have no confidence.  How are you going to get by in this life without confidence? You can't even do a weed whacking job. How are you going to hold down any job? You are such a slow learner.  Nobody has the patience to teach you things. Nobody has the compassion to teach you. Nobody has the time and energy to help your confidence.  Somebody else could be doing this job so much better than you.  They are wasting their money on you. You're so slow. You're doing this all wrong. You're pathetic. You're lost and you will never be found. You'll never be loved."

This is a glimpse of what went on inside my head today. Over and over and over again. Although I tried to stop the thoughts, they came back more and more powerful.

 It's hurts.  It hurts knowing I don't have an ounce of confidence. It hurts knowing that I can't live life.  That I can't accept the fact that I'm doing the best I can and that's good enough; and if someone has a problem with it..that's their problem not mine. It hurts that I want to so desperately please others. It hurts knowing that I don't think I'm good enough and that I think others think the same.  It hurts to feel like I'm so incompetent. Sometimes..it just hurts to feel.

It hurts to think about the times I was drunk and filled with confidence. It hurts that the moment I got home, I poured myself two shots.  I haven't drank in months.

Thank you for reading.

True Ugliness

So, today I realized why I have such hatred for myself.


I feel as though I'm plagued with jealousy and envy; and I just hate it. I don't like this being a part of me whatsoever.  It's an ugly characteristic and I feel as though I've possessed this for a majority of my life.  I can understand why it is called a deadly sin because having this characteristic makes me hate myself to a point where I want to harm myself...to a point where I want to die.

 Although I dare not to wish misfortune onto others, I find it hard to admire, appreciate, and congratulate the hard work others have put in to get to where they are today.  I guess because I'm not there and have nothing to my name; I just wish I could be like them. I wish it could be me.  Or maybe I just wish I could be them...And the fact I am who I am, just pains me.

 My one friend in particular stared in Riverdance and is now an art teacher. She's such a beautiful person inside and out and it just kills me that I am jealous towards her.  It also  hurts to know I will never have what she has or accomplish what she has.  And it's not just this friend that I'm envious and jealous of, it's copious amounts of people. It hurts to know that I will never have what many people have.  And this jealousy/envy paralyzes me.  It hardens me and decays my heart. It tears apart and then shrinks my spirit...it shrinks my soul. 

I found the following while looking up quotes about jealousy and envy.


"Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970- British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, social critic, and political activist).

"The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time." Johann Caspar Lavater (1741-1801- a Swiss poet and physiognomist- a person supposedly able to judge character).

 "A competent and self confident person is incapable of jealousy.  Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity" ~ Robert Heinlein (1907-1988- Science Fiction writer).

It's true. I feel possessed.   I feel decayed inside.  I feel like an awful, awful person. I feel evil.

I think the following quote sums up what I am experiencing when it comes to jealousy very well:

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "
~Jennifer James (1977- English actress)

I'm tired of being this hideous, ugly person I am. I need to end all of this.  I need to end it now. I need to somehow find the light. 

Thank you for reading. 

Ranting and Raving

I'm just going to warn you that this blog goes off on a bit of a tangent..hence why I call it ranting and raving.   It's just basically been my experience and thoughts of the day...so bear with it.  Hopefully by the end..it will all come together and make some sort of sense.

Today in therapy was rough. I'm finding a lot of the other women to be annoying.  But, maybe that's just my problem.  Well..of course it is.  I allow them to annoy me.  I allow lots of people to annoy me.  Which is why it would probably be best for me to go live up on a mountain alone.  But even doing that..I'd annoy myself.  I just can't win.

We had this community meeting today where we all gathered around to discuss the emotional eating program.  I honestly think I'm in the wrong track.  But again, maybe this is my perception of everything.  Is there anywhere I fit in? I guess I understand why I've jumped from job to job, state to state, guy to guy...because I never feel I belong. I never really feel deeply connected.    I just feel like I'm off... Like I don't belong on this planet.  I don't know how to belong.  I think I'm just an awkward individual.

Today, these women were all just complaining about the food that has been offered.  I rarely hear these women say one positive thing...not just about the food..but anything.  This one woman in particular is just so mean. She's constantly talking about how stupid the therapists are.  Ugh..it's just pure annoyance.  In any case..my blood started boiling with all of the complaints about the food...from the bananas being too cold...to another woman complaining about picking up other people's eating habits.   I blurted out that "sounds as though we would never survive in Africa." It probably wasn't the best thing to say since the therapist looked at me in shock.  I was grateful for the dietician because she then looked at me and told me that she understood what I meant.   Then of course..the room went silent for a few seconds and you think I would have just shut up then...but no.  I went off again how "sick I am of these stupid first world problems." I guess you can say I was having my two year old tantrum. 


My saying of this was not to really attack these ladies at all, it's the problem I am having that I'm projecting out...It's what I do best.  I really haven't been feeling well these past couple of days..well to be honest the past few weeks. The feelings of being stuck in quicksand are just really starting to get to me.

 I'm so sick of the way the world is.  I'm so sick of how I allow what goes on in society to affect who I am as a person..to affect my thoughts of myself.  I just feel as though I can't keep up with society...fuck the Kardashians.  I can't keep up with expectations people have...that I have.  I just can't understand why I can't appreciate what I have and know that where I am at is good enough.  And that people can accept me for where I am.  But being in this society..it's always more, more MORE..perfection, perfection, perfection.  I don't know..I feel like I've given up.  I feel like I don't have purpose.  I feel like I'm stuck on a planet I don't belong in.  I feel lonely..I feel miserable.  I can't relate to anyone in this part of town.  I think it's one thing to be poor and live around other poor people..but when you are the poor person in a wealthy town it fucking sucks! 16 year olds driving cars around...okay sorry 17... that their parents bought them.  It kills me. It kills me the fact that I bought my own car with all the money I saved since I was 5 years old (my first communion) and a few weeks after getting it my father backed up into it.  It sucks that a few months later...the engine blew out.  It just fucking sucks...I don't get the purpose of working hard. I really don't.  Maybe I've just given up so easily...but I don't know what to work for anymore.   I just don't think I can hold on much longer.

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in over a year. I've been cutting my own hair within the year.   And she was like.."wow do you do a lot of dying or bleaching with your hair" and I was like no.  I haven't done anything to my hair in years. She was just like "wow..it's really dead."  I told her I was cutting it myself..but she was like.."no that shouldn't do it." Then after she cut it she told me that "I shouldn't wash my hair everyday..b/c I have redness and dandruff."  The thing is...I don't wash it everyday...sometimes I'll go 3 days without washing it.  So it just stunk..here I am just trying to feel good about myself getting a haircut and being shot down.  Then...I went into my car and it wouldn't start! Grrrr...I'm just fed fucking up! Luckily it started about 10 mins later. 

When I got home, I decided to go for a run. I needed to clear my head.  So off I ran.  There is a barn down the road from where I live and I have been wanting to go in and ask if I can pet the horses and if they needed barn help.  So..I went down this long driveway and saw a man cutting grass.  I went up to him asking if he lived there, which he replied yes.  I then asked if he'd "mind if I pet the horses." He glared at me and said "yes, I do mind."  I was kindof taken aback..so to make sure I heard him properly, I said "sorry, did you say you do mind." Which his rude response was "yes..that's what I said. I mind"  So feeling shot down, I turned around and started running back home.

I just don't get it.  What the fuck is wrong with people? Are there any nice people left on this planet???  Okay..I know I'm having distorted thoughts right now.  I just couldn't help but think..well maybe if I were prettier and drop dead gorgeous, I'd be allowed to pet them. I'd probably be allowed to do anything if I were gorgeous.

  In any case, today has motivated me to plan my next adventure..my escape from this town, this state...yet again.  I think I just came up with a purpose.  I understand that this may not be a brilliant idea, but have I really ever had any brilliant ideas????? Ummm...let me answer that.....ummmm... NOOOOOO.  I know escaping is not the best answer..but hey not all escapes are bad.  Remember Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart? They escaped.  I know..it's totally unrelated to what I'm talking about..but at least it will give me a sense of purpose to plan my escape into a different world..or at least another land of misfit toys...just anywhere.  I just want to feel human God damnit.


Okay...I think I feel better now.

Thanks for reading!!

Darkness again

My  Poems from yesterday

Trees seem to be my only friend
Sitting beside them, I feel my heart mend
I sit here waiting
With the rain pissing down
Mixing with my tears
I feel like a clown

 
Stuck in quicksand
Can't seem to figure out who I am
I don't have any plans
To survive
Please someone help me
I'm struggling to breathe
My soul wants to be set free
From this pain


I apologize for my immaturity
I fear not having security
For I've lost my blanket long ago
I have searched high
I have searched low
And yet..it can't be found
 Attachment is now my biggest fear
I get too scared when things come near
I can't cope with losing what I hold so dear
Anymore.
And now that you have come around
You've knocked on my walls
My guard crumbled down
And there is nothing to be found
There is no treasure here
The blanket disappeared.


A fish caught too many times
Only to be thrown back into the ocean
Now it's living life in slow motion
Afraid to take any bait..
Already predicting its fate.
When it's finally caught
You will be distraught
Slice it wide open
And you see it is broken
There is nothing but decay and it is hollow
Not enough meat for a man to swallow
Since there is nothing even to savor
Please be kind and do it a favor
Throw it back into the sea
Let it float away
And be food for a prey
that will enjoy such misery.


This fish can't be caught
I feel a bit distraught
There is no one to blame
I keep myself insane
I keep pushing people away
And at the same time beg them to stay
The push and pulling is oh so confusing
It's almost abusing
The other person involved.



I want nobody knowing I want to die
I want nobody knowing that I'm starting to cry
I feel as though I'm living a lie
I sit here under a tree that's dead
Wishing it were me instead.

Turning towards the Light

I've decided to create a new blog.  Just moments after finishing my most recent entry, First World Problem, I decided it was time to close this chapter of my life.  I am finding that I am going down a negative spiral and I need to stop this insanity.   Sure, my mind has gone insane..but that doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  So I am making the choice by Turning towards the light.  It is time to shake the devil off my back. It's time to bury that horse in the ground.



"Shake It Out"- Florence and the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Thanks for reading! Here, here to a new chapter of my life! 

First World Problem

I know I've written a blog in the past about loneliness, but here I am, again, to write another one.  These past few days have plagued me with this intense emotional feeling.  It's got me to the point where I am questioning if I need med adjustments. A part of me thinks that this is just something I have to ride out because I know there are no meds to cure loneliness..but how much more suffering can I put myself through?  This feeling is deadly.   A part of me just wants to hit the bottle, but my wise mind knows that doing so solves nothing...it only temporarily relieves the suffering.  This feeling is still going to be there when I sober up, so it's not even worth it.  It's not worth the extra pain of a hangover...that's just causing more suffering.

 If only there was a magic pill to cure loneliness. 

 Loneliness is, unfortunately, a first world's major problem and sadly, it is the greatest poverty of all.   As Mother Teresa stated in an interview with a reporter: "Everywhere I go people tell me of their hardships and struggles, and ask for help, and I give what I can. But of all the countries I have been to, the poorest one I have been to is America...America suffers most from the poverty of loneliness.”

This quote is so disturbing, yet so true. 

It's hard to feel a sense of community in today's world.  I feel as though the communities that are out there are way too superficial to begin with.  Religions, spiritual centers..they make me feel more lonely when I'm involved with them.  Everybody appears so happy..but is it all a front? After all, we can't always be happy...it's not humanly possible, right?!  I just look around and I see such dedicated people in these types of organizations.

I've heard before that happiness is a choice and there was a time I lived by that mantra.  It's just hard to think happy when stuck in quicksand.  It's easier to think fear...but I think that's a whole other blog I'd have to write about.

 Social media makes me feel even more lonely.  I find it so hard to be happy for people whose lives are moving forward, while mine seems to be stuck on slow motion rewind.  I also just find it hard to reach out to people in time of despair.  Not many people want to hear about your suffering.  I can't blame them, but I can't put on a mask much longer, which is one of the reasons why I deactivated my Facebook account today.    Another reason is due to the fact that I was experiencing more loneliness being on there.  I felt as though I was being desperate...desperate for attention by posting nonsense stuff...desperate to not feel so alone.  A part of me wanted to express my loneliness, but it's just weird expressing all of that on Facebook.  Expressing myself on here is a different story..because only like 5 people (if that) read this blog.  And..on here, people can relate..which is probably why you guys read it.

 I'm having a hard time reaching out to people because I don't want them to worry.  I don't want them knowing that I'm falling.  I don't want them knowing that my SI's are back :(.  A lot of this is my stupid ego getting in the way.  I just don't think there is anything anybody can do to help me get rid of this feeling.  If someone could hug me for 20 seconds..maybe that would do the trick..but I need a lot of hugs.  Maybe I just need a dog.  I'd hug myself...but there are only so many times you can hug yourself before it gets old.  I guess I need to put more love into it. Its hard to put love into something you can't stand! Obviously, I need a lot more lessons on compassion.

So, the following are quotes I found while looking up "quotes about loneliness." So, I listed a few below along with some comments.

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~Brendan Francis.
I like this one. It's so true.  I really only feel lonely because I feel lost. 

I didn't really like Sharon Salzberg's quote (I have no idea who she is...I just found this quote on BrainyQuote.com) - "If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you'll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness."  Okay...I just looked her up on Google and apparently she is a meditation teacher and author.  That's why I don't agree with it...Oh these spiritual people!  I don't know..I feel like I've been going deeper and deeper into my heart...and I'm feeling more and more lonely.  Obviously, I must not be doing it right if Sharon is stating otherwise.   I just feel as though going deeper and deeper is like pulling the layers apart from my heart to see the core.  My core is pain, suffering, loneliness.  I wish I could take some clay and mold a new heart and insert it into my chest.  I feel like the heart I have right now is too damaged.  I feel like it's road kill. 


Next quote I found:   "If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry"- Anton Chekhov.   This one is so true! It's awful being in a relationship and feeling lonely. 


According to Paul Tillich- "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone." I can't wait for the day I experience solitude.

I want whatever Henry Rollins was smoking: "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." 

I'll end with this quote by Dag Hammarskjold- "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

Maybe that's what I need to do more of.  Pray.  It just feels weird for me to pray. I feel like a hypocrite when I pray, especially for myself.  I can easily put good thoughts in the universe for others..but not with myself.

And..then I wonder why I'm lonely.  

Thanks for reading!

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

Henry Rollins

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/loneliness.html#6f977fPlStijrjUh.99

The Devil's Playground

This week, I was dropped down from full days to half days in therapy.  So now, instead of 6 hours of therapy everyday, I have 3 hrs.  With this, I have a lot of time on my hands...A LOT of time.  Too much time if you ask me.   And with all of this time..comes idle hands and with idle hands comes.. you guessed it...an idle mind.  Welcome to the Devil's playground!


"It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man," ~Benjamin Franklin

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Benjamin Franklin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/idle.html#vmF8ocmbb5Mk2VHO.99

With the change in the program, I am forced to face reality.  I'm forced to face the fact that I'm losing the support system I have had for the last 3 months and it's scary.  In a few short weeks, I'll be left alone.  It will be me against this great big world.  My safe haven will no longer be around and it will be up to me to find a safe place...to find safe people that will help me blossom and not destroy me. It's up to me to stand on my own two feet.  It's up to me to not self sabotage.

And I'm feeling it..I'm feeling myself self-sabotage..and it's only been a week since I was moved down.  I see myself self sabotaging in many ways. Lately, my SI's have been banging on my door.  I think some, if not all of it, has to do with the changes that have occurred as well as not having a job lined up to help preoccupy my mind. And I think some of it has to do with the fact that the jobs I am applying for are the same jobs I applied to when I was 16 years old.  Here I am, a college graduate, who has worked for 19 years of her life...competing with 16 year olds for a job.  The judgmental thought of I'm a loser has come into my mind.  Actually, the whole Radiohead song "I'm a creep" is playing over in my head.  Although I'm attempting to be productive by finding a job, exercising and doing art, there is still idleness...and as you can see..there is misery. Luckily, the SI's are not as bad as they were earlier this year, but they are there and they are starting to seep in.  And when you're at the point where SI's are seeping in..you know negativity is already in.


I know during this idle period, I'm to work on skills and practice them.  I am to eat healthy and balanced meals 3 times a day.  I'm to avoid over sleeping and practice doing opposite to emotion action.  However, this all requires self care and my negative mind does not like the sound of that.  So..to avoid self care, I've come to the point where I feel as though I'm starting to revert back to my distorted thinking mode. I'm starting to self sabotage. I'm looking for anything to distract me from actually spending the time to further heal myself. I'm looking for something/someone to cling onto and it's a scary place to be.  I've been in this position far too many times to know the outcome.  I feel myself start to go into desperate mode  to help save the world.  I get like this because I need to distract...otherwise I have to focus on me and I'm too flawed to want to do it. 

As I'm observing my mind and my actions, I realize how easily I try to push people away and I'm becoming aware as to why I do it.  I do it because I realize, in a sick way, it is satisfying when I do it.  It validates my belief that i am unlovable when I push people away.  It feeds into my negative mind.  It feeds into me isolating to further feed the negative mind.


To avoid eating dinner, I went for a run.  I don't listen to any music because I get too wrapped up in the songs.  Lately, I've been avoiding the radio because songs are starting to trigger me.  It just seems like every song out there is about drinking, pretty girls shaking their asses (doesn't help with my body image issues)...people breaking up...people being trouble...all things that are triggering.  So while running, the most triggering of all songs... Breathe by Sia popped into my head. 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me.

Although a part of me was hoping I could be like Forrest Gump and continue running, my wise mind took over.   STOP it shouted at me.  I then realized it wasn't at all possible for me to be like Forrest Gump.  1.5 miles of running was enough because I know I had to run 1.5 miles back and I felt as though I was already going to pass out.  While running back, I noticed the wind pick up and the clouds were darkening.  I wanted it to rain so bad. There is nothing like exercising in a storm.  It gives me adrenaline and makes me want to shout Fuck You! I'm stronger than this..I will prevail. because I know the storm will pass and no storm outside will hold me back. (unless of course it's a tornado, tsunami, hurricane, lightning storm..etc...then that's a different story.)  It's interesting, however, how the tables turn when I'm experiencing my mental storm (now this is when the tornadoes etc come into play)..it's the storm in my mind that yells to me "Fuck you. You are too weak".  So it was during this time that I decided I'm going to beat this storm in my head as well.  So..Fuck you.. I'm stronger than you negative mind...I will prevail.

When I came home from my run..I ate a piece of steak, a bit of a potato, some mushrooms and broccoli...take that negative mind! Lesley, my dietician, would be proud. But most importantly, my wise mind and body will be proud. 

Thank you for reading!

Giving up

I'm flawed in MANY ways.  One of my most detrimental flaw is my ability to give up so easily. I don't recall ever really being like this when I was younger.  I feel as though I had a lot of determination, pride, drive...I had dreams, I had a sense of purpose, I had life...I had a life.  I was living, not just existing. I was focused. But, maybe it's just that I'm looking back at my past through rose colored glasses.  Maybe I'm just fantasizing...maybe I just want people to remember me as being that way/think I was this way.

Somewhere along this journey, there came a point where I just gave up. I can't really pinpoint when exactly this happened.  I know during my senior year, I had my first breakdown..so it could have been around then. Or maybe it goes back even further...maybe it goes back to when I left the birth canal.   I guess it really doesn't matter when exactly it was, after all, it is all in the past. The past shouldn't matter.   All that is truly known is that there came a time when I threw up my hands and the older I get, the  easier it's become to continue to throw my hands up.  Now, the window of time that I throw them up is decreasing.   I gave up on dancing, doing graphic design, nursing, marriage, love...I'm considering giving up on this blog...for Christ sakes...I've attempted suicide...I was and, at times, I still am ready to give up on life. Although, I'm ready to check out..it seems as though my soul isn't just yet.  Why can't my soul just throw its hands in the air?

It's so difficult for me to find some silver lining through all of this.  I find myself taking a few steps forward only to go 9 steps backwards.  I just have given up on dreams.  It seems as though any time I dream, someone else is living my fucking dream.  For instance, a few years back, I dreamed of doing the Rose of Tralee. I wanted so bad to be a model, be in pageants. So here I was, 23 years old and attempting to run for the Rose of New Jersey. But due to the inability to raise the $300 dollars and my mother's lack of support, I dropped out of it. My mom was right not to support me...maybe in a way she wanted to protect me from doing what I do so well... failing.   Earlier this year, my sister ran for it.  Although I'm very proud of her for stepping out of her shell to do this, I just don't get why it couldn't be me to step up on a stage.  I guess it just wasn't in my cards.  It just seems as though none of my dreams are in my cards.  Maybe I just have the wrong cards in my hand. 

For quite some time now, I find myself getting jealous over those that have dreams, goals, and a life.  I get jealous of 17 year olds who have their whole lives ahead of them.  It just seems as though for so many people, they have drive, they have passion.  It's as if they've known what they've wanted to do/accomplish for so long.   Things just fall into place so naturally for them. I'm jealous of people with families.  I just feel as though I've given up on the idea of ever wanting a family.  I would hate to have a mini me running around.  Knowing me..I'd probably give up on them too.  What kind of mother would I be? Definitely not a good one. I"m jealous of people who have a higher power, have a strong love for God, for Jesus, for Buddha...for whoever.  I don't even know how to love...I"m not even sure what love really is. 

I don't like to look at this as the fact I'm lazy..I don't think I ever was.  I just feel as though I had to work harder than those around me just to be at the same level.  It gets tiring when someone can do a job easily, while I struggle to do that same job. That's all this seems to be for me is a struggle.

I can't even read.  It takes me like a year to finish a book. After reading one page, I have to go back and figure out what the fuck I just read.  I can't process things. 

I sit here picking up pieces, but isn't it easier just to throw away things that are broken and buy new? Isn't that the subliminal message we, as Americans, are getting? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I remember being younger and finding it so sad seeing people give up.  I'd look at people who became overweight and wonder why/how they got to that place.  Well, I think I have a good idea now. 


I apologize...I've given up on the Beautiful You diary entries. Surprise..surprise.  I guess it was too big of a task to handle...or maybe I'm lazy. 

Thank you for reading.